Measures of Grace

September is National Recovery Month. It’s especially meaningful to me because I was addicted to fentanyl, other opiates, and alcohol for ten years. And now, by the grace of God, I’ve been in recovery for ten years. So I’m carrying the message that there’s hope for anyone who’s suffering from the disease of addiction. I know how it feels to think there’s no way out. I understand the utter hopelessness of realizing you can no longer live with drugs or alcohol, but you don’t know how to live without them. I know how scary it is to take that first step towards recovery. But I also know it’s possible. We can and do recover.

Measures of Grace

– R.A.P.

“I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.”
– T.S. Eliot, “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”

When I think about the dark years,
the wasted years,
I remember
day after day after day
of choosing oblivion—
of going under willfully, willingly,
recklessly.

All those years, I measured out my life
with pill bottles and Post-It notes of someday plans,
with intentions I never met on the road I paved to hell.
What a waste
land of fits and starts and begging You, God,
to take this cup from me—
this cup of pain and drugs and sickness
that I was drowning in.

You didn’t.
You never took away my pain
though You could have.
Every word I write
is scribbled on a scroll of pain,
my life itself lived
in the constant shadow of it.
I cannot kill it or numb it or run from it.

No, You didn’t take that cup—
instead, You poured it out and filled it
with grace:
grace in recovery, grace in everyday moments.
And after all these years,
I see:
I can grasp at supposed solutions and substitutes
to dull the pain
or I can reach for You, God,
and drink from the cup You hold out for me.
With every sip, I draw closer to You,
held and healed in a way I never knew I always needed—
in a place where pain and grace meet.
And day after day after day
when I choose Your cup—not mine—
I find Your grace to be more than sufficient.

I still don’t understand why or how or if or when
but I know
surely: goodness and mercy will follow me
all the days of my life, measured now
in cups overflowing with grace.

If you need help getting started in the recovery process, go to https://www.samhsa.gov/find-treatment. Or you can call the SAMHSA helpline at 1-800-662-HELP. According to the SAMHSA website, “This Helpline provides 24-hour free and confidential treatment referral and information about mental and/or substance use disorders, prevention, and recovery in English and Spanish.”