Feel My Love

A year ago today, a dear friend showed up on our doorstep with a tiny orange kitten. She asked if I wanted to spend some time with him, but I knew what she was really asking: did Monty and I want him? We did. I did. But I was still recovering from surgery on my spine and the loss of our precious Seamus. I was afraid to love something new. Yet from the moment that I held that kitten and he stared up into my face, it was already too late—I was head over heels in love with him. So was Monty. We chose to keep him—our Rian.

There are so many stories I could tell you about Rian. About the night just two weeks after we met him when he collapsed and almost died. About the CSU Vet Hospital that performed emergency surgery on his spine when he weighed a little over a pound, saving his life. About his healing. About the way he changed our family—giving his brothers and Monty and me a new joy that we desperately needed. I could tell you all of those stories and so many more. But really, I want to tell you just one.

It’s a love story—a story of being rescued, pursued, and loved. And I’m not talking about Rian when I write those words. I’m talking about how God used Rian to rescue me. To pursue me. To show me His love.  After the loss of Seamus, I’d been mired in a deep pit of self-pity, grief, and depression—a pit that quite possibly could have become life-threatening. Rian rescued me from that pit. He was so fragile and so needy that he required constant attention—I didn’t have time to sit around bemoaning my own situation.

I was just as needy and fragile as Rian was. I had so much love to give, and I desperately wanted to feel love again. I just didn’t expect that love to come from God in the form of a kitten. But it did. And every night, when Rian crawls onto my chest and buries his face in my pajama top, I look up. I look up, and I say thank You. Loving Rian and having him love me back saved my life. God knew that would happen— Rian was his very personal gift of love to me.

Yesterday, I heard a song that I’ve loved for years—“To Make You Feel My Love.” But this time, the lyrics spoke to me as never before. It was as though God was singing that song to me:

“When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love. 

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
And there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love. 

I know you haven’t made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I’ve known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong. 

I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling down the avenue—
There is nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love. 

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret.
The winds of change are blowing wild and free—
You ain’t seen nothing like me yet. 

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
There is nothing that I wouldn’t do—
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love.” 

God spoke to me through that song, telling me how much He loved me. He’d already rescued me by giving me the greatest gift of love I could ever dream of—salvation. And He’d been pursuing me for years. Now He was telling me loud and clear: Renee, when your world seems like it’s falling apart, I’ll be there to hold you together. I’ll do anything to make you feel my love.

And I did feel it. I do. My journal entry last night was just two words—thank You. I know there will be difficult times ahead. I know the storms will rage and the winds of change will blow me to places I never wanted to go. But I also know this: I am loved. Deeply loved. So loved that God chose the perfect gift for me just to show how much He loved me—He gave me Rian. And for that, I am so grateful. The refrain of my heart is the same two words I wrote in my journal: thank You. For now and every day for the rest of my life, in the shadows or in sunlight, I’ll be saying those words: thank You.