The Talk

Rian and I had “the talk” this afternoon. Let’s just say it was time. Here’s the transcript—you can decide for yourself how it went.

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Me: Hi, baby. I need to talk to you.

Rian: I’m very busy right now.

Me: You were sleeping.

Rian: My eyes were closed, but my brain was open for business. I had a LOT of thoughts going on.

Me: Well, now I need your ears to be open for business. You’re a year old, and you’re a very smart boy—I think you’re ready to learn some lessons. You should have learned them by now, but you’re very spoiled. It’s mostly my fault; I don’t tell you no as much as I should. Or really at all. Ever. But I have to start. You’re old enough to understand rules and obey them.

Rian: Do Mackin and Carrick have to?

Me: They sure do. At least they try to. But Mackin and Carrick have listening ears, and your daddy and I think you might have been born without them.

Rian: Is that why I had to go to lots of doctors way back when I was a baby?

Me: No. It’s why you’re a naughty boy. You hear us, but you don’t listen to us. And you need to learn to listen, starting now. Do you remember the two rules we have in this house?

Rian: No. No one ever told me any rules.

Me: I tell you every single day. I told you just last night.

Rian: Well, that is a very long time ago in cat minutes.

Me: The two rules are to make good choices and to take care of each other. Do you do that?

Rian: I will always take care of my brothers!

Me: Oh, baby, I know. You’re the best little brother ever, and Mackin and Carrick love you. Your problem is making good choices.

Rian: I’m pretty sure I do.

Me: I’m pretty sure you don’t.

Rian: Yes I do.

Me: No you don’t. And you’re very stubborn.

Rian: Daddy says I get that from you.

Me: Oh really? Well, I’ll talk to Daddy later. How about if you and I play a game now?

Rian: I love games! You run around the room, and I’ll chase you until you get tired.

Me: I’m already tired. And it’s a different kind of game. I’m going to say a word, and you’re going to tell me the first thing that pops into your head. Okay?

Rian: Okay!

Me: Let’s start with the word groceries.

Rian: Chewing through plastic to get to the ground beef!

Me: Trash can.

Rian: Knocking it over to look for cheese wrappers and cans to lick.

Me: Cables.

Rian: Fun to chew!

Me: Piano.

Rian: Running across the keys while you and Daddy watch TV.

Me: Books.

Rian: Chewing their covers.

Me: My desk.

Rian: The place I go when I’m really bored. There are lots of pens in a cup and when I push the cup they all spill and then I am not bored anymore.

Me: Growling.

Rian: Only when I’m mad. Or I see the man who delivers packages. Or Mackin won’t let me play with his tail. Or you and Daddy pick me up and carry me around when I’m very busy doing other important things.

Me: My “I Love Lucy” Precious Moments figurines.

Rian: I tried to play with Ricky’s hat and then it fell down and broke.

Me: What about the other one?

Rian: I wanted to see if Ricky had a hat I could play with and when I was looking, it fell down and broke.

Me: Daddy’s plants.

Rian: Digging them up and playing in the dirt.

Me: My earrings. And ponytail holders. And pens.

Rian: Moving them down to my special place in the basement.

Me: That’s called stealing. Which would make you a thief.

Rian: That does NOT sound like me.

Me: It sounds exactly like you. You steal things and hide them in the basement.

Rian: Carrick says it’s not stealing. He says it’s just borrowing things for a very long time.

Me: Does Carrick make the rules?

Rian: No, but wouldn’t it be fun if he did? I think he would make a rule that there are no rules.

Me: Let’s talk about all the things I just listed.

Rian: They’re all my favorite things!

Me: And they’re all naughty. Remember how I said you were very smart? You’re smart enough to know when you’re being naughty.

Rian: I just thought of something, Mommy. I think I like being naughty.

Me: I know you do. But remember the rule about making good choices? You need to make good choices and not naughty ones.

Rian: Then I am going to be very bored for the rest of my life.

Me: No you won’t. You like to play with your brothers, don’t you? That’s a good choice. And you can play with all the toys you have. You can chase your treats. And you’re the best spider killer and moth hunter EVER. I love it when you do that.

Rian: Can I open the kitchen cupboards and look for things to play with?

Me: I want you to think hard about that and tell me if you think it’s a naughty choice or a good choice.

Rian: It sounds fun so it must be a naughty choice.

Me: There! See how smart you are?

Rian: Mommy? Don’t you think this is a lot to remember for a little boy like me?

Me: Are you a little boy? You tell me every day that you’re a big boy like your brothers.

Rian: I am!

Me: Then you can remember. And I’ll remind you. When you’re being naughty, I’ll tell you. Or at least Daddy will. And you’ll have to use your listening ears.

Rian: If I promise to try to make good choices, can I still make one naughty choice every hour?

Me: No.

Rian: Every day?

Me: No.

Rian: If I promise to try to make good choices and snuggle with you all night long, can I still chew books?

Me: Just the covers and not the pages?

Rian: Yes!

Me: It’s a deal. But let’s not tell Daddy. And Rian? You know you’re still my precious miracle boy and I love you more than anything in the world and when I tell you no, it’s only because I really, really have to?

Rian: I guess. Are you crying, Mommy?

Me: Just a little. I think it’s allergies.

Rian: I’ll still lick your hands and your ears.

Me: Thank you, baby.

Rian: I have to go find Carrick now. I have a LOT to tell him.

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