Soul Custody

Soul Custody

for James

– R. A. P.

The two a.m. train just went through town.
Every time I hear it, I think of you—the way you’d stand up
and listen to it as if the whistle were calling you.
Now the only thing sadder than the sound of the train
is the silence left behind when it’s gone.

I turn on the TV,
and Elvis’s voice fills the room.
It’s like you’re singing to me, James. 

Are you lonesome tonight?
I am. So lonesome. For you.

Do you miss me tonight?
I miss you every minute of every day,
but especially at night.
I miss the weight of you next to me—
the solid presence that was you,
always beside me.

Are you sorry we drifted apart?
I cannot put into words how sorry I am—
sorry that you’re gone.
Sorry that it ended the way it did.
Sorry that I failed you. 

Does your memory stray to a brighter sunny day?
So many of my memories are of you in the sunshine—
oh, how you loved the sun, my boy.
You wore it like a robe,
so wrapped up in it that your eyes glowed with its light.

When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?
I had so many nicknames for you—
your favorite, the one you answered to, was King James.
But I called you sweet baby James
as I carried you around,
loving the way you filled my arms
and rested your head on mine. 

Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare?
I can look around right now and see your favorite spots—
and all of them are empty without you.

Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?
I picture you lying on your back, holding your turkey leg toy.
I see you in the bay window, looking up at the trees,
the sun making your orange patches even brighter. 

Is your heart filled with pain? Shall I come back again?
My heart aches for you, James.
But you do come back. So many times a day, you come back.
I see you in your brothers’ eyes,
in the sunbeams you chased.
I hear you in train whistles and James Taylor songs,
in the words of so many poems that remind me of you.
And you’re in the memories we have of you—
the ones that make your Daddy and I smile now.
You’re here.

Tell me, dear—are you lonesome tonight?
I will always be lonesome for you—
my missing piece, my James.
You were lightning in a bottle—
my constant companion, best friend, and muse.
My arms are empty without you,
but my heart is full—
full of gratitude for the way you loved me
and full of the love I will always have for you.
I carry you in my heart,
and you will forever own the best part of my soul—
my precious boy—my sweet baby James.

Seamus Falcon Phillips
November 15^th, 2013 – June 26^th, 2021