The Reviews Are In

Contrary to what some people might think, I don’t spend my days chilling in my jammies, playing with my cats, and writing whenever the muse happens to strike me. Well, come to think of it, I kind of do, since I work from home. I have a full time job working for our family business–an internet company that sells USB-based software solutions. I put software onto USB sticks, using a process called duplicating, or duping. I’ve also worked in customer service off and on over the years. And that job forever imprinted itself on my brain. I can’t stop myself from mentally reviewing every product I buy. I list the strengths and weaknesses of the product and then rate it. I don’t ever write actual reviews; I just can’t help reviewing products for myself. Our cats have heard me do this. And because I got three packages this week, they wanted to do their own customer reviews. Each one of them picked a product. Here are their reviews.

Del Rossa Men’s Flannel Lounge Pants, which I bought for Monty. Reviewed by Mackin:
“I love these pants! They’re my dad’s softest pants ever.
I could sleep on my dad’s lap from now ‘til forever.
But they didn’t come in a box like you said.
They came in an envelope that got stuck on my head.”
Me: “How many stars would you give them between one and five?”
Mackin: “I love them and my dad so I’d give twenty-five!”

The next product is the CatLadyBox, which comes every month. It has (quoting from their website) “cat-themed shirts, jewelry, home décor, accessories, art, and more.” A few catnip-filled cat toys always come with it, too. Seamus asked to review this one:
“If you’d asked me last week, I’d have said this was dumb.
It shows up month after month—where does it come from?”
Me: “Your grandma’s the one who gave us that.”
Seamus: “Oh I remember—she once called me fat!
I hissed at her and took great offense:
I’m twenty-two pounds of magnificence!”
Mackin: “I love my Grandma! She’s low to the ground!”
Carrick: “He means she’s short–easy to climb on and around.
She wears tassels on sweaters and shiny gold earrings,
and her purse is a treasure trove made just for me!”
Seamus: “Enough about her! This is my review
and I would like silence from all three of you.
Every month, when TheCatLady box arrives,
I look inside for a special surprise:
There are T-shirts for Mom and tiny toys Carrick’s size;
Mackin gets the box and moves right inside.
But there’s never anything fitting for me
though month after month I hope there will be.
And this month—good lord!—they got it right!
There was a toy in there exactly my size.
It’s in the shape of a turkey leg—festive and fun!
When I lick it, it fascinatingly sticks to my tongue.
I lie on my back and hold on to it tightly—“
Carrick: “Can I play with it, please? I’m asking politely.”
Seamus: “You can fight me for it if you dare to try,
but hear my words, little bro, this toy is mine.
So based on my turkey leg, here’s my review:
The CatLadyBox finally came through!
I give it five stars for the month of November—
I hope I’ll get a big Santa toy when it comes in December.”

The final product is the Berkshire Fair Isle Blanket, reviewed by Carrick:
“My story begins many moons ago
when I asked Mommy for a blanket or at least a throw.
I do have three beds in the living room,
but I wanted something cozy in the bedroom.
When we watch TV there, I’m cold and exposed—
I think I’ve had hypothermia in my paws and my nose.
Seamus has a blanket that he shares with Mommy;
Mackin’s warm on Daddy’s pants—what about me?
It still hasn’t happened. I’m still freezing cold.
I sit and I shiver and I dream of a toad.”
Me: “Carrick, you need to start telling the truth.”
Carrick: “Excuse me, Mommy, but this is my review!
And isn’t the customer always right?”
Me: “Not that when that customer’s an ungrateful sprite.”
Carrick: “I think PopPop would disagree!”
Me: “Your grandpa? Why? You’re talking to me.”
Carrick: “He says the customer’s right, and he’s your boss—
You can’t pick and choose which reviews to toss!”
Me: “Fine. But don’t lie. Tell the whole story.”
Seamus: “And tell it fast. Your stories bore me.”
Carrick: “The truth is you’ve bought me blankets before—
I’ve lost count of them, but it’s been five or more.
The problem, Mommy, is you get the wrong ones;
I’d think you’d want better for your favorite son.
The first one you bought me was a quilt so thin
it didn’t even warm the little hairs on my chin.
Then there was the blanket that had loose threads;
I chewed them and ate them so you took it off the bed.
You said this week’s blanket was from QVC–
I don’t know what that is, but blankets sure aren’t their thing.
You told me this one would be velvety soft,
but I wouldn’t know because I kept sliding right off.
When I finally managed to stay on the bed,
the blanket immediately stuck to my head.
You and Daddy said, ‘Look at his hair! Isn’t he cute?’
You wouldn’t say that if it happened to you!
So I burrowed inside it to make a warm fort
but just like Grandma, the blanket’s very short.
So I give it one star, and if you want my opinion,
you should ditch QVC and check out HSN.
The blanket was significantly not as described—
It was slippery, staticky, and too short to go inside.
So I’ve made a decision—I’ll accept being cold,
and I’ll stop asking for blankets if you get me a toad!”
Me: “You can ask if you’re grateful and honest and kind.”
Carrick: “Ok, I’ll say this—thank you, Mommy. You tried!”