We’ve Got Spirit

There are certain words that I can’t say on this page. If I do, most of you will never read this post. So I will trust that you, my readers, are smart enough to understand what I mean when I say that last Tuesday night, Monty and I watched a spirited argument between two men. Our three cats watched it with us and wanted to try having a spirited argument of their own. (Well, Mackin asked to listen and not argue.) So Carrick and Seamus came up with three topics they wanted to argue about while Mackin and I listened. This is a transcript of their spirited argument.

Me: Before you two start, remember the rule—
Seamus, where are you going?

Seamus: This feels just like school.
I don’t like rules; they ruin the fun—

Me: Well, that’s just too bad. And you only have one:
You’ll be nice to each other or I’ll call a timeout.
Are you both ready to start and see how this turns out?

Carrick: No, Mommy, stop! You’re doing it wrong!
You say, “Let’s get ready to rumble” to move it along!

Me: Let’s get ready to ruuuuuuumble! Seamus, you’re first.
Carrick, don’t argue; it’s by order of birth.

Seamus: I want to be called His Highness so—

Me: People in Hades want ice water. No.

Seamus: Fine. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m glad you are here—
Wait, what is that? Do I see an ear?
Is Carrick on a box? Is he wearing Mom’s heels?
We’re almost at eye level. What’s the deal?

Carrick: Yes, I am small! It’s not worth denying
But I have the speed of a cheetah and the heart of a lion.
Now let’s get this going with the first topic we chose:
Seasonal collars—are we for or opposed?

Seamus: I’m for them. I love them. Every month there’s a new one—
I enjoy each new theme; I always look handsome.

Carrick: Well, I do not like them! Mommy, listen to me—
This one has ghosts and pumpkins; it’s so beneath me!
I had an Irish one once, and I wore it with pride.
But these holiday ones? I can’t like them. I’ve tried!
This Halloween one makes me look like a clown
Why does Seamus get one that looks like a crown?

Seamus: Insolent ruffian! You just can’t bear it:
I’ve got on a crown, and you’ll never wear it.

Me: Timeout—

Carrick: Mackin, I’m sorry, but this you should know:
Your collar’s like mine—in the dark, the ghosts glow!

Mackin: NO!

Me: Okay, let’s move on. What’s the next topic you chose?

Carrick: We want to decide where the extra money goes!

Me: What extra money? You should be grateful for this!

Seamus: Oh, good lord, woman! This can’t be all there is.
There has to be money hiding somewhere;
We’d like a piece of it—our own little share.
I want to spend it on expanding the bedroom—
I need a king size bed for more paw and elbow room.

Carrick: We have one of those; we don’t need another!

Seamus: Oh, I need a new one just for me and my mother.

Carrick: The better investment would be a big catio
Where we could watch birds and I could play with my toad!

Me: This discussion is over; you’re three lucky boys—
You have beds, food, and windows, and plenty of toys.

Carrick: This next topic will come as quite a surprise—
This time, Mommy, we’re all on the same side!
Convincing you and then Daddy is our main intention
We know someone who needs a cat-intervention!
We heard about your friend who wants a cat BAD
But her husband does not, which we think is so sad.

Me: How did you know my friend wanted a cat?

Seamus: Little pitchers, you know. We heard you tell Dad.
Now I shall be playing devil’s advocate,
Voicing the husband’s objections in this little skit.
He thinks we’re destructive; he’s seen the holes in our blinds.

Carrick: We’ll find a lady cat who’s nice and refined!

Seamus: He doesn’t want scratches on his furniture—

Carrick: What do you mean his? It’s also hers!

Mackin: Ooh, Carrick, that’s a good one—

Carrick: Yes, but hold your applause.
I’m on a roll here; if you agree, raise your paws.

Seamus: He says there will be cat hair all over their home.

Carrick: Yes, but when he’s at work, she won’t be alone!

Seamus: He doesn’t want cat hair all over his clothes.

Carrick: I bet he’d like a cat on his feet, warming his toes.

Me: Do you have a plan for how to pull this off?

Seamus: Yes! We find a quiet lady cat to go and adopt.

Me: You know that my friend lives five hours from me.

Carrick: That’s not a problem! Daddy can drive an RV!
We’ll spend the five hours telling the new cat what we know
We’ll prepare her with a list of cat do’s and cat don’ts.
This time, Mackin, you can’t ride next to me.
You throw up on my head and climb me like a tree.

Me: So you’re all in agreement, all three of you brothers?

Carrick: Every person needs a cat;

Seamus: Every cat needs a mother!
Wait! Are we done? Carrick is running!

Carrick: Oops! You’re too slow—
You didn’t see me coming!

Seamus: You better run, little bro, far far from me,
Or I’ll pack you off by yourself in an RV.

Me: Looks like we’re done. What’d you think, Mackin?

Mackin: I need my dad. I don’t know what just happened.