Civics Lesson

I thought it was time for another homeschooling lesson with our cats today. This is a transcript of the lesson.

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Me: “Okay, boys. Today we’re going to learn about how an election works. Seamus, where are you going?”

Seamus: “This does not pertain to me.”

Me: “It most certainly does. Sit down with your brothers, and don’t walk out of the room while I’m talking to you.”

Seamus: “I always walk out of the room while you’re talking to me. And as I said, this has nothing to do with me.”

Me: “Why not?”

Seamus: “I do not believe in democracy.”

Me: “Why?”

Seamus: “A monarchy is the ideal system. And we already have one in place. I am King. The rest of you are my servants.”

Carrick: “That’s not fair! How come he gets to be the King?”

Me: “He doesn’t! Both of you sit down and listen. Do you know what an election is?”

Seamus: “Good lord, woman! All we hear about on the news is the election!”

Me: “Mackin and Carrick, do you know?”

Carrick: “Yes. It’s when you write your favorite person’s name on a piece of paper and put it in a box.”

Mackin: “Ooh! I love boxes. I love paper. I love paper in boxes! And my favorite person is my dad.”

Me: “Well, you boys are close, but not quite. Daddy and I fill in our ballots at home and then mail them.”

Mackin: “Do you mail them in a box?”

Me: “Well, yes, but it’s not a box you can play in.”

Mackin: “Oh yes I could! I can play in any box anywhere at any time!”

Seamus: “I shall take my leave now.”

Me: “You shall not. Sit, and you can have treats when we’re done. Now, in America, we have a two-party system, which means—“

Carrick: “Two parties! The only thing better than one party is two! When are they? Tonight? Will there be music? Can I be the deejay? Can we wear costumes? I want to be a pirate! Is Seamus going?”

Seamus: ”I abhor parties and shall not be attending either one.”

Me: “Okay, forget the parties. There are two main candidates for president. An election is when you vote for the candidate whose platform you like the most.”

Mackin: “I like the second platform on the cat tree the most! It is the coziest and the sun shines on it.”

Seamus: “May I interject?”

Me: “Do you have something nice to say?”

Seamus: “No.”

Me: “Then you may not. Mackin, a platform consists of the policies that each candidate has. For example, each candidate takes a stand on issues like healthcare and the economy. They tell us what their stand is, and then they debate these issues so that we, the voters, know where they stand.”

Carrick: “I like debates!”

Me: “You do?”

Carrick: “Yes! Because I’m Irish and I enjoy a good fight!”

Seamus: “I’ll give you a good fight.”

Carrick: “Come at me, bro! Oops! Too slow! You’re older than me!”

Seamus: “I let you get away! And you’re more orange than me!”

Carrick: “I’m not orange! I’m tan. You’re—“

Me: “Stop it! The debate is over.”

Seamus: “So is this class. I need a nap.”

Me: “So do I. But until then, you and Carrick will sit quietly like Mackin until I call on you.”

Carrick: “That’s not fair! Mackin isn’t sitting quietly. He’s asleep!”

Me: “Well, at least he’s not fighting. Let’s pretend that the three of you are running for president of this house. What would your platforms be?”

Seamus: “I’m already the King. Why would I want to be president?”

Carrick: “I want to be the King!”

Me: “No one is the King! This is a democracy! Now tell me what your platforms would be. Mackin, are you awake?”

Mackin: “Yes. I am resting with my eyes closed and thinking about how much I love my dad.”

Me: “What would your platform be if you were running for president?”

Mackin: “I want my dad to quit his job so he can be right here on this couch every minute of every day and I can sit on him every minute of every day.”

Me: “Carrick, what would yours be?”

Carrick: “I want a toad. And I want to vote that Seamus can’t be the King. No one is the boss of me.”

Me: “Daddy and I are the boss of you. Having a platform doesn’t mean you list things you want like you would in a letter to Santa Claus.”

Carrick: “Well, that’s a relief! Because Santa never came last year!”

Mackin: “Carrick! Be careful! Santa can hear you. He sees you when you’re sleeping. And when you’re awake. So be good or he’ll put you in a sack.”

Me: “That’s not. .  . Santa doesn’t. . . Anyway. Carrick, Santa did come last year, just like he will this year.”

Carrick: “Then he didn’t read my letter because I asked for a toad and instead I got a toy that spun around, hit me in the face, and stopped working!”

Seamus: “I cannot endure another conversation about that infernal toad.”

Me: “This isn’t about toads or Santa! It’s about an election! Think of something that would make life better for all of you. And we’ll vote on it.”

Carrick: “I know! No fans!”

Me: “Fans?”

Carrick: “We don’t like the fans in the bedroom at night. They make my nose cold.”

Seamus: “I hate to agree with the munchkin, but I must. The fans make my whiskers blow in an undignified, most unseemly fashion.”

Me: “Mackin?”

Mackin: “The fans are loud in my ears. But I love my dad.”

Me: “Okay! So we have an issue to vote on!”

Mackin: “Where’s the box and papers?”

Me: “Mommy’s tired. We’ll do this the easy way. All in favor of getting rid of the fans, raise your right paw.”

Carrick: “Mackin’s raising his left paw!”

Me: “He’s okay. Worry about yourself. So the three of you agree—no fans! See? You voted!”

Carrick: “When do we vote in an election?”

Me: “When Mommy isn’t tired.”

Carrick: “That will be a long time from now! When do I get my sticker?”

Me: “What sticker?”

Carrick: “The one that says ‘I voted.’ I think those are super neat!”

Me: “Uh, well, I’ll have Daddy make you a special one. Mackin and Seamus, do you want one?”

Mackin: “I don’t know what it is, but if Daddy makes it, then YES!”

Seamus: “Good lord, no. A sticker on this beautiful fur? What an atrocity! I want the treats I was promised.”

Carrick: “How come he gets treats and we don’t?”

Me: “Everyone gets treats! Class is over. Mommy needs a treat. And a nap. And I think it’s time for fall break.”