Cat Play

Scene: Monty and I just got home from running errands. Our three cats always meet us at the door, but this time, only Mackin did.

Characters:
Him—Monty
Me—Renee
The boys—our cats Mackin, Seamus, and Carrick

Me: I’m so glad to be home. What’s up with this heat?

Him: I know, I just checked—it’s one hundred degrees!

Me: Mackin, you’re alone! Where are your brothers?

Him: You really should know that. You are their mother.

Me: Very funny. Listen: I hear them meowing—

Him: I only hear Seamus, and it’s not good. He’s growling.

Me: Oh, here they come. They were down in the basement.

Him: Hey, Seamus, stop! Don’t you dare chase him!

Me: Why do you always have to take Carrick’s side?

Him: Because he’s so little! He’s half Seamus’s size.

Me: Then Carrick should know to leave him alone.

Him: He can’t! This whole house is Seamus’s “zone.”

Me: Boys, stop it now, and I’ll give you some treats.

Him: Look at them instantly stop fighting to eat.
You realize you’re rewarding bad behavior.

Me: Hey, thanks, Dr. Phil. I’ll work on that later.

Him: What were they doing? I wonder what happened.

Me: You don’t have to wonder—it’s easy; just ask them.

Him: Okay, boys, here’s your chance. Tell us the truth.

Me: Explain why you’re acting so rough and uncouth.

Carrick: I was playing and running; it’s kind of a blur–
I very accidentally snagged Seamus’s fur.

Seamus: Good lord! Did he ever! Out of nowhere!
I was minding my own business, alone on the stairs.

Carrick: It wouldn’t have happened if I had a toad.
I’d have something to play with; I’d leave Seamus alone.

Seamus: For five minutes at most, but then you’d be back
and I’d have to give you another big smack.

Me: For the last time, Carrick, you can’t have a toad.
You have baskets of toys; we know you’re not bored.

Him: And Seamus, don’t smack him. Just pretend he’s not there.
I know you can do it; don’t give me that stare.

Me: If cats are like this, can you imagine real children?

Him: Yes, I can, which is why I’m glad we don’t have them.

Me: I know what you mean. What shall we do tonight?

Him: Stick around here and break up more fights?

Me: No, let’s go for a drive; we can stay out of the heat.

Him: You talk to the boys. I’ll get the Jeep.

Me: Okay, sons, we’re leaving. You be nice boys.
Don’t mess with each other—play with your toys.
Now Carrick, don’t listen; I’m talking to Seamus.
My dear precious boy, we’ll keep this between us:
Don’t listen to Daddy—I know you’re sweet,
and when I get home, I’ll give you more treats.

Monty: Are you ready to go? Did you talk to those two?

Me: Oh, I laid down the law. They know what to do.

Him: I’m sure they’ll be good—no more messing around.

Me: Yeah, they’ll be fine. Goodbye, boys–peace out.