Bird Brain’s Blotter

Sometimes I feel like Snow White in the scene where she’s surrounded by birds and woodland creatures—Monty has created our own little woodland right outside our bay window. It’s our version of cat TV. Our three boys are indoor cats, but we want to give them the stimulation of the outdoors. Between the bird feeders, bird bath, and fountain outside, the boys get to watch squirrels, rabbits, and all kinds of birds. I could sit with the boys and watch all day, too, but I wouldn’t get anything else done. So today I decided to combine my watching and my writing.

A while back, I wrote an article called “The Bird Brain’s Blotter” for an imaginary paper called “For the Birds.” In that article, I mentioned the names of groups of birds:
A group of owls is called a parliament.
A group of crows is called a murder.
Jays: party
Pheasants: bouquet
Ravens: conspiracy
Starlings: scourge
Pigeons: flock
Sparrows: crew
Larks: exaltation
Finches: charm
Robins: round

This is the next episode of “The Bird Brain’s Blotter”—my coverage of an imaginary meeting of parliament:

Parliament convened last night to talk about the upcoming election that was announced a few weeks ago. The parliamentary spokesperson for the meeting was Knight, who began with an announcement.

“Before we move on to tonight’s official business, I’d like to address the scourge. Please stop taunting indoor cats. You may find it amusing to sit outside and squawk at them, flick water towards them, and even peck on their windows, but be assured that cats do not find this amusing. We’ve recently discovered that indoor cats have been spreading the word about you to their outdoor friends, who are only too happy to eliminate the problem. So if you think you’re safe merely because a pane of glass stands between you and a cat, you’re sorely mistaken.”

 “On to election business. We, the parliament, announced a week ago that our meetings are getting out of control with so many birds in attendance—the constant chatter and tweeting, mostly from the charm and exaltation, is keeping us from accomplishing anything. So we’ve asked that each bird group elect one delegate to attend the meetings and bring the concerns of their group to us. We will not be allowing bouquets and rounds to elect delegates at this time. In the last two weeks, we’ve heard reports of eight bouquet members flying straight into the front or side of vehicles. To the families of these fallen pheasants, you have our sympathy. However, this foolishness does not reflect well on the bird community as a whole. You have wings—please use them wisely. As far as the round is concerned, we’ve heard of three separate incidents in which one of your members was seen frolicking in a bird bath with a squirrel. This is not merely scandalous for the round, it’s embarrassing to our entire community. We do not frolic with squirrels.”

 “Tonight I’ll be reading the campaign slogans from the candidates for delegates of the crew, the party, the flock, and the conspiracy. Next week, we’ll hear from the remaining candidates, and the election will take place soon after. First up is the candidate from the crew, Ms. Hope Hops. Her campaign slogan is:
“I know I am small, but so are all of you
If you vote for me, I’ll represent our whole crew.” 

“Well done, Ms. Hops. Short and to the point. Next we have the campaign slogan from the candidate who would like to represent the party. I hesitate to even read this one, as it was written by a member who would only identify himself as the Joker. But here it is:
“Ain’t no party like a true jay party
Cause a true jay party don’t stop.
We’re louder and prouder than any of you
And we definitely don’t ever hop.
So come on, fellow jays, let’s do this thing right
And rock crazy parties from morning to night.
Give me your vote, and I promise you this—
I’ll lobby for fun. Why so serious?” 

“Order! Order! The party must stop with the cheering. We need to hear from the candidate who wants to represent the flock. His name is Mr. Stool, and this is his slogan:
“We appreciate rules; we’re an organized flock
We’d like all noise to cease by seven o’ clock.
Elect me your delegate and you won’t need to doubt
I’ll bring in some order—good night and peace out.” 

“Quiet! Quiet! If I have to reprimand the party again, they will be ineligible for this election. There will be no more heckling! Our final campaign slogan for the night is from Mr. Stone, a member of the conspiracy. Oh, I apologize, Mr. Stone—it says here that you go by Oliver. Oliver’s campaign slogan is this:
“We may have a rep for strange thoughts and plans
But we answer to no one, not even ‘the man.’
If you elect me, I’ll ensure we stay free—
if that doesn’t happen, I’ll help us all leave.”

“And that’s our last slogan of the night. This meeting is adjourned. We will reconvene next week to hear from the remainder of the candidates. Until then, look up and fly safe.”