I had a relapse of sorts the other day—no, not the addictive or alcoholic kind—but a relapse in my thinking. I was standing in front of my closet, trying to find something to wear so I could go out with my husband, and I thought, “What’s the point? What’s the point of any of this? I’m tired. I just won’t go. ‘The Real Housewives of Orange County’ is on.” So I flopped on the couch, feeling down and defeated—feeling very much like I used to before I began my journey of recovery. And I had a lightbulb moment. Well, not just a lightbulb. It was more like a whole chandelier fell on my head. And I sat there, thinking—I did not get sober for this.
I did not get sober for this. I didn’t get sober to settle for a mediocre life—a life lived on the couch, watching other people make their dreams come true. I didn’t fight through years of withdrawal, relapses, depression, oblivion, and darkness to finally make it out into the light and then squander the second chance God gave me. I will not allow all of the tears, the pain, and the suffering that seemed endless then to be rendered pointless now—because I refuse to have shed those tears, felt that pain, and endured that suffering just to reach a plateau of sobriety and decide to make camp there. I didn’t fight all of those battles just to sit on the sidelines now and watch everybody else win their wars. I fought because I decided to believe God—that I was worth fighting for. But the fight didn’t end when I got sober.
I know I’m not alone in this. I know that everyone could say, “I didn’t fight through (fill in the blank—years of grief? abuse? illness?) just to get to a place of complacency and mediocrity. I didn’t endure that pain, and claw tooth and nail through terrible times just to barely make it to the other side and then eke out an existence there.” Jesus said that He came that we might have life—abundant life. Not life in fits and starts. Not mediocre, “it could be worse” life. Not “what’s the point?” life. But abundant life—life so full of beauty that we can’t even imagine it all.
There’s a song by Blue October called “Fear,” which inspires me to keep fighting every time I listen to it. This section of the lyrics is the one that has changed my life:
Today I don’t have to fall apart
I don’t have to be afraid
I don’t have to let the damage consume me
My shadows see through me.
The most important word there is “Today.” Not tomorrow. Not the rest of my life. Just today. Today I will fight for the beautiful. Today I will ask God for more. When I spend my todays fighting for the beautiful and being grateful for it instead of asking myself, “What’s the point?”, my life transforms from ordinary prose to a poem of praise. That’s what I’m fighting for. And I will not give up now.
“I used to fall. Now I get back up.”From “Fear,” by Blue October
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Comments 14
Wonderful post as always! Today I will fight for the beautiful too!
You always do. Thank you. ❤
We are “Enhancers,Encouragers” to ourselves, mostly to others. TexGen
Yes, we are. ❤
Oh, Renee, I just am so glad you are back to writing again! I have missed the twice a week blogs that you write! I just love this one! I, too, have relapses at times and I need the reminder also. I get to do life with my Aunt and my parents at times and it is good for me to do things with other people. I would much rather just be by myself most of the time, but know that is not healthy. I am still battling a headache. I think the weight of weight watchers is getting to me more than I realize. I am trying to not think about my head and just go on with my day. It has been a hard month and I want to thank you for your prayers for me. They mean so much to me! I am so thankful for your friendship and am so grateful that God has rescued you from your addiction! You have come so far and God is using you mightily for His kingdom. Thank you for your words and for blessing me tonight. Love to you. ❤️
Oh, Melanie, I do know you’ve had a hard month. I also know it’s had quite a few victories in it. You’re fighting, and that’s inspiring to me. As are your wonderful, encouraging words. Thank you so very much. Sending you a hug from Haxtun. ❤
Beautiful! I hear you on wanting to sit on the couch and let life pass me by lately. Not happening!
Thank you! I’m glad it’s not happening for you, either. And congrats on starting your blog.
Renee! Thank you for sharing your heart! I’ve been battling the same self-defeating thoughts lately and so needed to “hear” this today. Always remember that the world is a much brighter place when you let your light shine!
Jula–I’m so glad someone else needed to hear this besides me. Thank you for your words and for taking the time to read mine. ❤
I didn’t fight xxxx for this …. oh this works on so many levels….!
I know it does for me! Thanks, James, for reading my words.
You are back!! And what a blessing this is! Thank you my dear. Keep writing, keep writing…
I will. I will. I can’t help it. I love you so very much.