When I asked you, my readers, for suggestions for blog post topics, one of you sent me this message on Facebook:
Topic: You’re obviously very religious. ???
That was all. That statement, followed by three question marks. I’m not sure what the question marks mean, or what question is being asked. So I’m just going to tell the story of my faith, and hope it answers the question.
Ready for church. I’m on the right.
I don’t remember my life before I believed in God. Believing in a great big God and a Jesus who loved me was easy—I didn’t know any other way to believe. I went to a Christian school, went to church every Sunday, and was raised in a Christian home. Everyone I knew had the same beliefs I did.
When I went to college, I was exposed to all kinds of different beliefs. In many of my literature classes, the Bible was used as a textbook that had examples of literary archetypes, characters, and the timeless struggle between good and evil. Christianity was taught as a set of mythological beliefs, no different than those held by the ancient Greeks and Romans. But those teachings only served to increase my faith, as I used the Bible as my own textbook to study why I believed what I did.
I graduated from college and married Monty two weeks later. We were regular churchgoers. We studied the Bible together and prayed over every detail of our lives. As the years passed, we prayed more and more desperately for God to take away the paralyzing panic attacks I was having, the deep depression I was falling into, and the intense pain I was in because of migraines. We followed what we believed was God’s guidance, going to different doctors and mental health professionals. None of them helped. We heard about a neurologist who “cured” migraines, so we got on a waiting list to see her. Six months later, full of hope, I left her office with a prescription for fentanyl and two other narcotics. I was addicted within days.
When I realized what was happening to me, I prayed for a way out. I told God that if He took away my pain, I’d stop using the drugs. But when I did, the pain always came back worse than it had been before. And withdrawal made me feel like I was crawling inside my own skin. I decided I couldn’t handle that on/off cycle, so I let go of any thoughts of stopping. I also let go of God. I believed that I was defective—weak, broken, and sick—and that God had made me that way. In Stephen King’s book, “Desperation,” one character says to another, “Do you know how cruel your God can be? How fantastically cruel? Sometimes He makes us live.” That’s how I felt—that God was cruel for keeping me alive. I wanted nothing to do with a cruel God who I felt was punishing me for the way He had made me.
But God still wanted me. He pursued me relentlessly until I chose recovery. And in recovery, I regained the part of my religion I had lost—the faith in a God who loved me. I realized that I was responsible for my choices, not God. I started to accept the person He had created me to be—weaknesses and all. And I re-learned how to trust Him, to cling to Him for every step.
During my early days of sobriety, I read this quote in one of my recovery books: “My spiritual awakening has involved three major leaps: save me, help me, and use me.” I revised the statement so that it was about three prayers, not leaps: save me. Help me. Use me. Those are still the prayers of my heart. They’re the prayers that keep me sober. And they’re the prayers I pray as I write—that God would use me to turn my test into my testimony and my mess into my message.
So to the person who asked me the initial question about being religious, this is my answer. And this is my question back to you: what do you believe in??? Three a.m. comes for all of us—the dark time when we’re alone and afraid and need something bigger than ourselves to believe in. God saves. God helps. And God uses people for His highest purposes—even people like me who were so far down the path of destruction that we thought we could never be redeemed. But I was. And I know countless others who were. We’re living proof of God’s grace, love, and redemption. My prayer for you is from our recovery handbook: “There is One who has all power—that One is God. May you find Him now.”
Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”Mark 9:24
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Comments 12
I love how our loving Savior pursues us, even when we are in a frantic sprint away from Him ❤️
And I have often been in that frantic sprint! Thanks for reading my words, Lisa. ❤
This was wonderful to read. Thank you so much.
Thank you for reading it. You are so special to me, my sister. ❤
Love this post! Very authentic. I wish I had time to say more, but, believe me, thoughts are rattling around in my head.
Thank you, Sandra! I hope I didn’t rattle your head too much. 😺❤ I so appreciate your words.
P.s. Praise God, f8nally got @ comment to Go through. TexGen
Yay! Welcome back!
You have received God’s Grace, through your struggles, your love for Monty. You obviously have lived through Your Hell, But you are stillstanding. Another strength you have been blessed with is, God’s strength,God’s powerful word. We, I, kind have treated God in a “haphazard fashion” through my life, but My Epiphany occurred dur8ngm6vMotuers final Days. Her steadfast faith In Me. I have “figured it out”.You, Sparrow, have figured it out. Your 2ords, Beautiful, your strength amamazing. Each of us take daily missteps, but God lifts us up. You4 Words, lift Me. Keep on blogging. TexGen FF
TexGen–Yes, I am still standing, by the grace of God. And the love of so many. You said it well–it’s easy to treat God haphazardly, to come and go as you need Him. I like your statement, “Each of us take daily missteps, but God lifts us up.” Beautifully said. Thank you for your kind words, FF. I treasure them.
Oh Renee, this is just a beautiful testimony of God’s Grace, love and redemption in your life! I, too, was raised in a Christian home, went to a Christian school and went to Church each week. When I went to college, that was when I had to stand up for my faith. I had a professor who was anti God and he even said that in class. He told us that if we wrote a paper on God, he would fail us on that paper. So different than going to Heritage for 13 years! I love your 3 prayers- Save me, Help me, Use me. God truly is using you for His highest purposes. Your writing is such a blessing to so many, including me! You are living proof of God’s Grace, love and redemption. God has a plan for you and He is not finished with you yet. I am so grateful you came into my life again at the exact moment God knew I needed a friend! Thank you for showing up and being such a blessing to me. I love your closing quote, “ There is One who has all power- That One is God. May you find Hom now.” Renee, your writing is bringing others to God. He is using your beautiful way of wording things to bring others to Him. I know that is your prayer every time you sit down to write, and God is fulfilling that prayer. Thanks for blessing me tonight. I love you. ❤️
Melanie–I had a professor like that, too. He scared me to death but also made me so grateful for the environment we had at Heritage. Thank you for your encouragement and wonderful words. You’ve blessed me, too. Love you back. ❤