Monty and I went to different colleges, but they were close enough so that Monty could come home on weekends. We spent our weekend study time in the room that Monty’s paternal grandparents had lived in when they lived with Monty’s family. One day when we were studying, we got distracted by a strange smell coming from a dresser. We opened the top drawer and found several open bottles of vitamins—the source of the weird smell. We also found a spiral notebook. As we looked through it, we realized what it was—a notebook of rough drafts. Rough drafts of love notes. Monty’s grandpa had written notes to Monty’s grandma, then gone back and crossed out the misspelled words, written them down with the correct spelling, and changed a phrase here and there. After each corrected note, there was a page missing—the final draft of the love note that he gave Monty’s grandma.
On our fifth anniversary, Monty gave me a card. When I opened it, a piece of paper fluttered to the floor. Monty tried to grab it, but I saw it—and I realized it was a rough draft of the words he’d written in the anniversary card.
“You weren’t supposed to see that!” he said.
“But it’s so romantic!” I said. “You did a rough draft just like your grandpa used to do.”
Monty admitted that he had been writing rough drafts of all the cards he’d given me since he got the idea from his grandpa. He said that he knew how important words were to me, so he wanted what he wrote to be perfect. Two and a half weeks ago, we exchanged anniversary cards, and I asked Monty if he’d written a rough draft of my card before he gave it to me. He said he had. After twenty-three years of marriage, he still practices what he’s going to write before he writes in any cards he gives me.
I think marriage itself is a series of rough drafts. You start out thinking you’ve got the book on marriage written—you have a plan, dreams, and the highest hopes. Before long, though, you encounter your first hardship or unexpected bump in the road. If you want your marriage to survive and grow, you have to go back and revise your plans. It’s the same with any relationship—as we grow and change, what worked for us in the beginning changes. And if we’re not willing to give the relationship some thought and figure out where to revise, add, and delete, we’ll never move into the next phase.
I think of my life as a series of drafts, too. As a writer, I know that a work in progress requires constant editing and revision. That sometimes the plot has to change because my characters are going in a different direction than I planned. That some characters have to have their scenes cut down or be deleted completely because they’re taking away from my main character. That my main character will react differently as she grows during the course of the story—that what worked for her in the beginning of the story won’t be enough for her as she evolves. Time, age, and circumstances will require different strengths from her. And as they do, she’ll need to rely on other characters in new ways.
Since I’m the main character in my life story, I want to keep revising until I get it right. And this requires more and more new drafts as I figure out which relationships make me better. As I evolve and realize I need new ways of thinking and coping. Each new phase of life gives me another chance to revise my story—to write the next draft in a way that features the best aspects of my character.
I like the life I’m drafting right now. It took some ugly rough drafts to get here. I had to crumple up and throw away entire pieces of my life in order to begin a new story—a story where I’m sober, working on steps to constant improvement, and flourishing in healthy relationships. The best of those relationships is my marriage to Monty. We’ve worked hard to get to this phase, where we laugh instead of hurt, and reel from joy, not pain. We’ve both had to rewrite our roles and allow each other to change. And here we are—still standing. Looking at each other after all the dust has settled, grateful beyond description that we’re both still here.
I’d like to stay right here in my story. I’d like to freeze time with Monty. But time will pass, and life will require new drafts. I’ll continue living it as I do now, surrounded by crumpled sheets of paper filled with discarded ideas and imperfect sentences. Because my final draft won’t be finished until my life is. How beautiful to think of all the love notes and next chapters waiting to be written between now and then.
“When the story of our life together is written, it’ll be full of laughs, tears, and a lot of love.” the words on the cover of the anniversary card Monty gave me
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Comments 16
Beautifully written as always! I wish we could freeze time too, but as you said, “How beautiful to think of all the love notes and next chapters waiting to be written between now and then.” i love you!
Thank you, my Monty. I’m so grateful for the love notes you write and the chapters we live. We are so very blessed. I love you. ❤
Renee, I totally agree with Mary, you should entry your writing in The NY Times Modern Love series. Your writings are THAT good! I had a very wise friend who said this to me when I was considering getting back into teaching recently and I am going to say it again to you now! “I imagine you’re feeling that strange mix of excitement and fear that always comes with risk- whenever I feel that way, I know I’m supposed to do the thing that’s making me feel that way.” That was so encouraging to me and I am now sharing it back to you, my friend! I know you have what it takes to get your writings published! I am cheering you on from here Renee! God’s blessings on you as you plunge into this great opportunity. I am praying for you. I love you! ❤️
Melanie–how sneaky of you to write my own words back to me! 😊 Thank you for your encouragement and for being such a cheerleader for me. Every word is important to me. Love you back. ❤
Beautifully, well written blog, Sparrow. Marriage is writing rough drafts, looking them over, imp4oving on ourselves individually, and as. a couple. Marriage, is give @nd take. Patience, respect. Loving one another, even when you have had a difficult day. It is affirming and showing honor to your spouse, and this will “rub off” on all thos3 around you. I try to follow God’s charge to honor my Bride and others. Our attitudes, daily, are rough drafts. This, I feel changes the course of my day, Debbie’s and others. Your writ8n* @bilities, speak for themselve#,Sparrow. Keep on blogging. TexGen
TexGen–I like what you said about honoring your spouse. I also like what you said about our attitudes being rough drafts–which is great because we can always change them. Thank you for your words and, as always, for adding to mine. ❤
Have you considered publishing this in a place like the NY Times Modern Love series, or some other venue?
https://thewritelife.com/personal-essay-modern-love-tips/
Mary–No, I haven’t. My stomach fills with butterflies at the thought of it. But I think I’ll give it a try. Thank you so much for the suggestion and for the link. ❤
What a beautiful blog, my friend! Each blog post just gets better and better. You cease to amaze me with your wisdom and how your words flow so eloquently on the page. I, too love rough drafts. I have written many over the years. This blog message was so timely Renee. It really has blessed me. I needed to hear this tonight. I love how you say “life is a series of drafts.” That is so true. Sometimes we have to change our draft around and at times God is doing the draft change. He knows what is best for us and that usually looks different than what we would want to happen. I just really loved this post! I can’t think of any more to say about it. Well done, my sweet friend! I love you! ❤️
Thanks so much, Melanie. Great point about God changing our drafts–I think of Him as the architect behind every draft. I so appreciate your words and encouragement. You’ve blessed me tonight for sure. Love you back! ❤
Oh this is good good good good!!! Thank you for writing this. I love you and all your drafts.
You’re so welcome–and thank you for reading it. Love you, too–so much!
This is wonderfully beautiful; that is all; Just so much to ponder, learn, imitate. I love you so much! You blessed my heart tonight.
Oh, Lisa–thank you. Your words mean so much to me. And I love you, too. Always, in all ways. ❤
So beautiful,what a wonderful story, and I can’t believe you have been married that long,
Thank you, Pam! I can’t believe we’ve been married that long, either! Thanks for reading my words; I appreciate it.