When my family took road trips, my favorite part of the day was when we got near a city, where there were miles of billboards. I loved them because they gave me some reading material, but also because they advertised so many exotic things to do, always with a liberal dose of exclamation points—Dinosaur Museum! World’s Largest Ball of Twine! Explore a Cave! Biggest Hotel Pool For Miles!
Billboards are like the previews at a movie, telling you about the coming attractions. I see miles of them every time Monty and I go back to Ft. Collins. Most are old and familiar now, but I saw a new one on Saturday: Liquor! Drive Thru! Open Late! It wasn’t a flashy billboard, just a white background with those words. But those are really the only words you need when advertising a liquor store—especially to an alcoholic. Those words “Open Late” are a siren call to alcoholics. I remember a night years ago, when I suddenly realized I was out of alcohol. In a panic, I called every liquor store in town to find one that was still open.
That’s what addicts and alcoholics do. We build our lives around alcohol or our drug of choice, and we’ll do whatever it takes to get it. It doesn’t matter who we hurt, how many lies we have to tell, or how many doctors we have to see. We will go to any length to keep ourselves from being without the substance we believe we need to survive.
When I went to my first recovery meeting, I went with a friend. I told myself I was only going for my friend—I was clean from drugs but was still drinking, and I didn’t want to be told to stop. I kept thinking, “It’s all I have left. If I have no substance to numb myself from the physical, mental, and emotional pain I’m in, I will be completely unable to handle my life.” Yet as I looked at my life, I realized I hadn’t handled it for years. I had lost my relationships with everyone but Monty. I had no job, no hope, and no purpose—as the first step says in the program I’m in, “my life had become unmanageable.” But I still thought I could manage it back into some semblance of existence that, if not joyful, would at least be tolerable. So I tried to cut back on my drinking. And I grew sicker and sicker and more and more hopeless. Finally, I went back to the recovery group, this time by myself. I told my story and listened to the others in my group tell theirs. I felt a stirring of hope—if these people could change from being hopeless junkies and drunks into being happy, functional, contributing members of society, then maybe I could, too.
During that first meeting, the man who would become my sponsor read these words from our recovery handbook: “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.” I desperately wanted what the people in that group had. I wanted to be free of the chains that had kept me in a dark, hopeless prison of addiction. I wanted forgiveness from the people I’d hurt. I wanted peace. And I saw all of this in the other people in the group that night. I decided that I wanted what they had, and I promised myself that I would go to any length to get it. To me, that meant following the steps of recovery. It meant going to meetings. It meant being vulnerable. It meant changing long-held beliefs, working on my destructive behavior patterns, and, finally, facing myself and what I’d done. It meant pursuing recovery as relentlessly as I had pursued the substances I thought I needed. I decided to fully embrace recovery. And it worked. It still works, all these years later.
So why wouldn’t it work for something else? If I decided that I wanted something and was willing to go to any length to get it, wouldn’t the same principles apply? I have a clear vision of a goal I want to accomplish. And I finally want it almost as bad as I wanted to be clean and sober. So I’m going after it with all the dogged determination and hard work that I put into my sobriety. I realized in recovery that you can’t pursue a goal half-heartedly and expect to have whole-hearted success. I know because I tried. I tried to tiptoe into recovery by going to an occasional meeting and waffling about whether it would work for me. It didn’t—until I took the plunge, immersed myself in the program, and clung tightly to God to keep me from going under.
That’s exactly what I need to do now to finally accomplish this goal that I’ve wanted for so long—I need to pursue it rentlessly and stubbornly, willing to take any step and make any effort to get there. I’m starting by taking a page from my brother Adam’s book. When he and I were little kids and went swimming, I’d cautiously approach the edge of the pool, dipping one toe in. Adam, on the other hand, would always yell “Geronimo!” then do a cannonball right into the pool. I envied that. So it’s what I’m doing now. I’m jumping in like Adam did—without a plan, without allowing myself any more time to waffle, without letting fear get the best of me. I know what I want, and I’m willing to go to any length to get it. I’m taking the plunge. Ready. Set. Geronimo!
“Just do it.”
Nike
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Comments 8
Geronimo how cool in WWII paratroopers yelled “Geronimo” going out the plane door to fight the enemy. Just like you had to jump all in to fight your demons. The comparison is uncannie life is a up hill fight and we all haft to jump in so we can survive life or get left on the side lines.
The paratroopers did a real cool thing picking the name Geronimo as their jump call. Geronimo was one tough man who gave the US Cavalry fits before being arounded up. Geronimo was all in on his fight with the fight with army. Butt Geronimo didn’t win his fight, but he fought win or lose he fought. Just like we need to do with are battles.
I know your battle is a day today battle and you need to comment to the fight every day. Going all in everyday makes you stronger making it easier for you to continue the fight.
Another awesome blog, keep on writing ❤️
Love,
Grover
Grover–oh, you just added so much to my post with the extended metaphor of the paratroopers fighting the enemy and yelling “Geronimo!” before they did. I love that! And I like what you said about Geronimo himself always fighting–win or lose. Thank you so much for contributing these thoughts. I so appreciate you always reading my words and then adding to them. It’s a gift to have you as my friend AND my family. ❤
Really loved this as usual! I really like the thought and phrasing of relentlessly pursuing “with all the dogged determination and hard work” towards a goal you set. I never thought of it like that before as I usually think it will be hard but never really think it through only try half-heartedly. To no surprise, I never achieve the goal I set out to do. So, time for a change and to this time pursue it relentlessly!
Monty–you’ve achieved so many goals I can’t even count them all. But together, we can do this–take the plunge and pursue relentlessly. Thank you for always, ALWAYS encouraging me. ❤
Good morning Sparrow. I read thi# blog, couple of times, trying to soak in,absorb every word. “Geronimo”, growing up, we played Cowboys and Indians, if we were real fortunate we had “caps” for our toy six shooters and rifles. Most times the Caps would “jam”, another 25cent investment “down the drain. On our family vacations t9 upstate N.Y., New England, etc, we would encounter “those fascinating billboards”, “h’mm” what is in this town, the next, etc. Your parallel of the billboards, to your addictions, is most interesting. Seeing a liquor store billboard, would trigge4 your desire for alcohol, a substance you could not live without. Your efforts to become “cleaned sober”, are never ending. , But, you have Perserverence, guts and faith. My weakness, a,cohort, on my younger years, but my recipe to vanquish, “cold turkey”. I have successes in “keeping that Vice under control”, sins of the flesh, also under control, though I pray to God daily. Again, I go back to my Mom,”just pray, Harold”. As I have stated repeatedly, Sparrow, You are strong, resilient, and most of all you have faith on God, and Monty. That, Soarrow is a “winning combo”. Finally, Adam and I are “kindred spirits”, I would yell Geronimo, when “Belly Flopping In to a swimming pool, or going down “Suicide Hill” on my American Flyer sled. Finishing Up, another strong, supe4lative blog. Keep on Blogging, Sparrow. ….TexGen
TexGen–I can picture you as a kid so clearly. And yes, you and Adam are very similar. That’s probably one of the reasons why I like you so much. 😊 I like what you said about keeping your vices under control with daily prayer–prayer, one day at a time. That’s gotten me through so much, and I know it’s the same for you. Thank you for such encouraging words. And thank you for being such a good and faithful friend to me.
Renee, my dear friend, what a wonderful blog post! I love your passion and drive! Anything that you set your mind to do, you can accomplish with God’s help! I am so proud of you for going for your goal. I will be praying for you as you journey towards it. You have certainly knocked my socks off on this one! Well done, my sweet friend!
Thank you so much, Melanie. I so appreciate your constant, careful reading of my words–it means a great deal to me. And I’m happy your socks were knocked off. 😊