There’s a sentence that pops into my head sometimes—a whisper of a sentence that chills me. I’ll be on Facebook and see a post, and I hear that sentence:
“You shouldn’t be here.”
I watch the news and hear it:
“You shouldn’t be here.”
I read a book. Watch a documentary. Hear someone’s personal story. And I hear it again:
“You shouldn’t be here.”
I often hear accusing whispers; I think most of us do. And almost none of those whispers hold truth in them when we hold them up to the light and examine them. But this one? It’s true. I shouldn’t be here. I should, for all intents and purposes, be dead. The stories everywhere about fatal drug overdoses, especially the ones involving fentanyl, are a constant reminder of what should have happened to me. I abused fentanyl and a litany of other drugs for ten years. I shouldn’t be here.
I made the decision to get clean on April 15th, 2012. I didn’t realize until much later that I had chosen tax day for my “clean date.” As I think about paying taxes, though, I see that tax day is the perfect “clean date.” Imagine this scenario: You’ve spent the past weeks and days gathering everything you need to do your taxes. You sit down and start working on them, and you discover that for some reason, you’re going to have to pay an exorbitant amount this year. And you don’t have the money. Tax day grows closer, and you grow more and more anxious and worried. On April 14th, you get an envelope in the mail with the IRS as the return address. Your stomach drops. Why is the IRS sending you a letter? You open it, hands shaking, and read it—the IRS says that you don’t have to pay your taxes this year because someone else paid them for you. You’re immediately skeptical: Who would possibly want to pay your tax bill? And why on earth would they do it? You’re almost positive you’re being scammed, but just to be sure, you find a number to call, and you speak to someone who works for the IRS. They confirm what the letter said—you don’t have to pay your taxes because someone you don’t even know already paid them for you. You feel a weight lift, and you take a deep breath for the first time in weeks. It still doesn’t make sense to you, but it’s the truth. So you accept it, overwhelmed at such an unexpected gift.
Someone you may or may not know actually did pay your debts—Jesus. He gave us that gift—a gift that may not make sense, but it’s the truth. I’ve accepted that gift, overwhelmed with gratitude. And every April 15th, I’m reminded: I shouldn’t be here. But by God’s grace I am, and my debts have been paid. In the gospel of John, it is recorded that as Jesus hung on the cross, He uttered the word “tetelestai,” bowed His head, and died. Literally translated, the word “tetelestai” means “It is finished.” At that time in history—at the time of Jesus’ death—bills and debts that had been paid were marked “tetelestai,” meaning “Paid in full.” Finished.
In the last few weeks, I’ve gone to choir practice to listen while our community choir prepares for their Easter cantata. The music and lyrics of this particular set of songs have worked their way into my mind and heart. There’s a song called “It Is Finished” that nearly brings me to tears when I hear it—because its lyrics are my story:
Over wrongs I’ve done; over my distress,
Over fears I’ve held
You have spoken
Over suffering; over past regrets
Over sin’s disease
You have spoken.
All these things will fall, gone once and for all
When You said, “It Is Finished.”
At the cross You took my place,
You traded death so I can live again.
(by Colby Wedgeworth, et. al.)
Jesus took my place, and His grace covered my debts and my sins so that I could be free from them. With gratitude, I kneel in the shadow of the cross and let God’s love and grace make me clean again.
In the Shadow of the Cross
– Isaac Watts with Renee Adele Phillips
When I survey the wondrous cross
I look up at this symbol of such incomprehensible love
On which the Prince of glory died,
and I see Your blood and my tears mingle in a portrait of grace.
My richest gain I count but loss,
You could have let that cup pass from You
And pour contempt on all my pride.
but instead, my God, my God, You chose to die for me.
Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
I want every word I utter to bring others to You,
Save in the death of Christ my God!
for there is no greater demonstration of Your love than Your death.
All the vain things that charm me most,
The trivialities that tempt me away from You; the addictions I’ve craved—
I sacrifice them to His blood.
I leave them here at the cross. And rejoice: For It. Is. Finished.
See from His head, His hands, His feet,
I can barely stomach the idea of it—
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
How You suffered—Your very breath gone, too.
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
In that divine paradox of love and agony,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
Of a man who was King—You bore what I could not.
Were the whole realm of nature mine,
Grace asks for no sacrifice from me—
That were an offering far too small;
Nothing. Yet my debt has been paid—in full.
Love so amazing, so divine,
Overwhelmed by Your love and freed by Your grace—
Demands my soul, my life, my all.
You drank of that cup for me; I will pour it all out for You.
If you’d like to hear the Haxtun Community Choir sing the song I mentioned earlier along with many other soul-stirring songs, click here for more information. It’s free, and everyone is welcome.
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Comments 13
What a beautiful analogy! So proud of what you have accomplished! 7byears i didnt even know. Thanks for being part of my sobriety, as well as my sisters. Congratulations!
Thank you so much, Mark. Your words are especially meaningful to me, as are you and your sister. God has used both of you in this journey. Thank you. ❤
Love this and love you! God clearly had plans for you and your ability to reach people with your writing and poetry. I know it has touched and enriched my life!
Oh, my Monty. Thank you for not letting go when most people would have. You are the human picture of God’s divine grace. Thank you, too, for helping me figure out this world of blogging and for pushing me to do more. I love you. ❤
Wonderful blog Renee!! Thank you again for your transparency! You are a real joy to all who read your writing. God bless you in this blessed Easter season !!💕💕
Thank you, Jeanette. Your words always bless me so much. May you, too, have a most blessed Easter season. ❤
Oh so true Jesus paid it all, and saved all who believe in Him as savior. The saddest for man the day the Lord Jesus Christ laid down his life for us for us paid the price for all of our sins, because that is what the God the Father required. Man is born of sin and we can never ransom ourselves and pay the price for our sins as you so well showed.
In my humble mind the greatest words ever spoken in man kinds time on this earth is “HE IS RISEN”, our ransom is paid we are free of our sin the burden is gone. Paradise be to God the Father Jesus His Son and the Holy Spirt!!!
Great post Renee, I going to listen to the music for sure.
Love,
Grover
Grover–I loved what you wrote about the greatest words ever spoken in mankind’s time being “He is risen.” Oh, I agree! Those words hold all the hope of the Christian faith. Thank you for your beautiful words. I hope you like the music. My love to you and Jean.
Renee, what a beautiful blog post! I think I say that every time you write one. But this one is by far my favorite. You have come so far, God has brought you on an incredible journey of healing, redemption and grace. I love your story! You shouldn’t be here, BUT GOD is not finished with you and He has a purpose for you being here still. I am thankful for your life and am blessed to have you in it! Great read, my sweet friend. I love you. ❤️❤️❤️
Melanie–it thrills my heart that this is your favorite because it’s so meaningful to me. You’re right; God isn’t finished, and He has a purpose for me still, as He does for all of us. Thank you for such encouraging words, as always. ❤
I like what Monty said, “God clearly had plans for you and your ability to reach people with your writing and poetry.” He nailed it when he wrote that. You have blessed me and many others with your writing! I thank God for you and your precious life, dear friend. ❤️
Sparrow, a gutsy, wondeful blog. Yes, you were at the bottom, somehow, some way you dug yourself out. It was unexpected, but your debt had been paid, by Jesus Christ. My sins, many of them, mostly self inflicted wreckage of two marriages, somehow, I stayed the course, and Inam learning, through the ver6 determine$ dail6 Prayer, by my Mom, I am standing, happily married to Debbje fir almost 40;years. All of my children still love and care for me. I am, the prodigal Son. Returned to Church, dedicating myself to volunteer, elder care, song, Bible. I am am not perfect, but, I take steps forward each day. It is not easy, to retain focus of the uot8mat3 prize that awaits me in Heaven. I kee it t9nJesus, he did pay the price for you, me, others. One if m6 favorite Gospel, tunes, “Oh Happy Day”, the da6 “Jesus died and washe$ my sins away. .I have so much t9 be thankful for, And much more to give. I feel the same @biut you, Renee, you have survive$, you are a vital young Lady. Again, beautiful blog, keep on blogging. ❤️TexGen
TexGen–I understand what it’s like to leave wreckage in your wake. But you’ve cleaned that up, as have I, as much as I can. Your testimony of your forty years with Debbie is a beautiful one–another story of grace. And yes, we do have so much more to give and so much more to be thankful for. I love the way you put that. Thank you for adding your words to mine and for your encouragement. ❤