On Friday night, Monty and I went to see “Bohemian Rhapsody,” the movie about the band Queen and their front man, Freddie Mercury. There’s a scene in the movie where a record executive argues with Freddie about the music that Queen wants to release. Queen’s manager/lawyer says to the executive, “Fortune favors the bold.”
That statement is a famous quote based on a Latin proverb. The word “bold” is often interchanged with “brave.” I’ve never liked this quote, though I know it’s true: the annals of history are filled with stories of bravery and portraits of boldness. As far as I know, there are no halls of fame for cowards. I’ve never read an obituary that said something along the lines of, “John Doe, a lifelong coward known for his paralyzing fear of life, passed away after a long battle with timidity.”
Yes, the quote is true, which is why I don’t like it. Fortune does favor the bold. And I’m not bold. I’m not brave. I don’t say this with false humility or with the expectation that anyone will tell me differently. It’s simply a fact of my life: I’m riddled with fear. I’m afraid of uncertainty. I’m afraid of loss. I’m afraid of the future. When I have to do something that scares me, I walk out of my house, double fisting inhalers and talking to God in order to settle my stomach and calm my nerves. My mom is fond of telling me to put on my “iron underwear”—to arm myself in preparation for whatever’s coming. I don’t own iron underwear, metaphorically or otherwise. I wish they sold it at Victoria’s Secret; I’d buy every pair they had in stock.
My fears make me the human version of our cat Mackin. Mackin was two months old when we first saw him—a tiny little fellow hiding under a kitchen table. The woman who had him told us that he was a barn cat, though she let him in from time to time in extreme weather or if she heard coyotes. I think of Mackin in those two months before we brought him home, and my heart breaks for him—living in a barn, being in the cold, hiding from coyotes—I don’t know how he survived that. Because our sweet Mackin is afraid of everything. When he’s afraid, he either freezes or runs away and hides. Even when he’s asleep, he’s afraid—he has nightmares where he cries out and tries to curl himself into a tiny ball. I gently lay my hand on him, and he wakes up terrified, unsure of where he is. I pet him and say, “Mackin, it’s Mommy. You’re okay. I’m here.” It takes him a few minutes, but he does calm down.
Mackin only feels safe when he’s with Monty. When Monty leaves, Mackin sits at the window waiting for him. For hours. Carrick tries to get him to play. I bring him treats. He doesn’t even see Carrick or the treats because he never takes his eyes off the window. When it gets dark and I have to close the blinds, he climbs in between the blinds and the window, even though all he can see is his reflection. But still he watches and waits until that glorious moment when he hears a car door. And he runs to meet his daddy. After climbing all over Monty, Mackin runs around the house, chirping like a happy little bird. When he finally exhausts himself, he collapses in Monty’s lap, an expression of complete bliss on his face. Mackin knows he’s been rescued.
I understand Mackin. I have unreasonable fears. I have nightmares. And there are many times when I want to run away and hide. I could so easily let myself be paralyzed by fear. Instead, I force myself to look my fears in the face and grab onto God for dear life. If Mackin can sit by the window for hours, never wavering in his faith that Monty’s coming home, then I can wait however long it takes for God to show me the next step to take and lead me through it. And when he does, I, like Mackin, know I’ve been rescued.
I’m grateful for my fears. If bravery came easily to me, I don’t think I’d need God the way I do. I don’t think I’d cling to Him like I do. And I don’t think I’d recognize all of the ways that God shows me His love by meeting my need for security. When I wake up afraid, I can almost feel His hand on me, saying, “It’s okay. I’m here.” When darkness comes and all I can see is my own fear reflected back to me, He turns me to the light. When life scares me and hurts me so badly that I want to run away, He asks me to face my fear and walks me through it. He reminds me that He made me. That He knows my greatest fears. And that even though I’m not brave, He can enable me to do brave things. I’m never more aware of His love and compassion than when I step out and do something brave. And when I’ve done it, I rest in His arms, blissfully aware of His power at work in me.
I’ve thought about that saying “Fortune favors the bold” quite a bit since Friday night. And I’ve realized—fortune may not favor me. But I don’t believe in fortune. I believe in God. And God doesn’t just favor me—He delights in me. He says I’m precious to Him. He walks with me through flames and floods. He showers me with love and mercy. And He clothes me in strength and dignity—which I realize now is God’s version of iron underwear: it braces me, holds me up, and prepares me for every battle I fight. You can’t buy that at Victoria’s Secret. And I wouldn’t want to.
For I am the LORD your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, “Do not fear; I will help you.”
Isaiah 41:13
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Beautiful blog Renee, thank you for pointing that our God always has our back. There are times when our fears take over and the depression drivers you so far down that you feel God has deserted you. But that is when God is the closest to us. God is there waiting for us to call on Him and He will see us through and give us strength to save us from are fears and to do His purpose. One of my favorite songs is Gath Brooks “Unanswered Prayers” the song in directly tells us that God knows what is best for us. I have had a couple of experiences in my life we’re I believe God used fear to get me pointed in the right direction in life.
Fear is something we all have in one form or another, fear makes you more alert, more careful and starts your adrenaline flowing makeing you stronger and sharpening your thought process. In the military they train you to channel your fear to your advantage and does give you and edge.
I understand the fears you faced in rehab, but God has used that experience to make you stronger and now look how far you have come, God had a plan for you, you are much stronger now, do we have an awesome God or what!
Worry creates fear and it is easy to say “don’t worry”, but isn’t worry a sign that we need to “give it (what ever we are worrying about) to God” and avoid fear?
Grover
Grover–I love that Garth Brooks song so much for the same reasons you do. There are so many things I’ve prayed for over the years that, looking back, I’m glad God didn’t give me. Thank you for pointing out all the ways that fear is actually good for us; I hadn’t thought of it that way before. I need to learn to channel it like you did in the military. We do have the most awesome God! Look how He brought you and me together after all these years–family I wasn’t at all familiar with–and now you’re so special to me. Thank you. ❤
The Lord is good and his goodness shines out of you and your story!
I’m reminded of the phrase that “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the DECISION to do what is right, even in the presence of fear. ” He is a mighty warrior and worth of our trust. Because of him, we can be courageous, brave and bold! Bless you friend!
Susan–the Lord is good! I love that quote about courage–thank you for the reminder. And thank you so much for reading my words and commenting in such a lovely way.
I didn’t realize you couldn’t buy iron underwear at Victoria’s Secret so there goes that Christmas present idea!
But, seriously, loved the blog today and I admire you for trusting God to help you do brave things like this blog and being willing to tell your story so openly and honestly. I’m a personal testament to you doing exactly what you say in your blog and I have seen the rewards that come from it!
Oh — and thank you Mackin for always looking out for me!
Monty–I will treasure every one of your words. Thank you so much for what you said. I asked Mackin if he wanted to say anything to you, and he said, “I love you daddy always and always and you are a perfect man and you’re my dad and I love you.”
Sparrow, I will check out that Queen song. Thank You, ❤️TexGen
I think you’ll like it. Let me know.
Good morning Soarrow, on this “chilly, Texas morning”, temps hovering around 32.In getting to know You, through FB messaging,reading your Blogs, over the past several months. I am equating You to be the Leonard Bernstein of Blogs. You bring your “letters” to attention, firm them into powerful, meaningful words, ten raise your “Baton”, and your Symphony(Blog) begins. You say Yiu have fears, but I find your writings to be “fearless”, beautuful, Inspirational. You may not think you are Bold, but, I say you are. You don’t need Victoria Secret Iron Under wear. You have your protection of armor from almghtyGod. You reach out to him, when you feel the need. I am the same, when I see a need for someone, I try to help, without question, hesitation. You are “spot on”, asking for God’s help, in time of need, removes fears and doubts. You can, Yiu are doing brave things, Renee. Along with my Leonard Bernstein designation of you, I will also add, you are my Joan of Arc, ofblogs, fearless, devout. As a p.s., Freddy’s Mercury, never a real fan, until I keep hearing,”Bohemian Rhapsody”, a Genuine Classic Rock Tune. So I will close, “Maestro” Renee, ‘keep on Blogging”. ❤️TexGen
Author
TexGen–your beautiful words have started my morning in such a nice way! I’m so humbled by your words. I love your metaphor and will always think of it as I begin to write. I do have the armor of God, and I’m forever grateful for it. Joan of Arc? That’s a high compliment, indeed. I’m devout if not fearless. Thank you for your words and for blessing me this morning. Oh–and there’s a Queen song you might like besides “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Freddie Mercury wrote it as a tribute to Elvis Presley. It’s called “A Crazy Little Thing Called Love.”