Last week, my older sister Heather texted me on an afternoon when I was feeling discouraged and defeated. She sent me a picture of herself looking purposefully ridiculous, and I laughed for the first time in days. 
Right at that moment, I looked up and noticed that the afternoon light had formed a perfect heart on the blinds in our window. And I thought, How apropos. A heart of light when I’m texting with Heather.
Heather is a heart of light. She loves her family and friends with fierce persistence. I’m living proof of that kind of love. Heather loved me through the ten years of my addiction when I was at my most unlovable. Day after day, month after month, year after year, Heather persisted in loving me. She left meals on our doorstep—she’d ring the doorbell, wait for several minutes, then finally leave when I didn’t answer. She called me a few times a week, and though I never answered, she left long messages on our machine telling me she loved me and was praying for me. She emailed me, telling me about my nieces and nephew. I never responded to her emails. I can’t imagine how many times my wall of silence broke her heart—how many times she cried and wondered and prayed because of me. She didn’t know if I even heard the messages she left, read the emails she sent, or ate the meals she left.
She also didn’t know how many times my hand was on the doorknob—that I was standing just inches away from her with only a door between us, wanting so badly to open it that I physically ached. My heart begged me to open the door; my drug-sick brain told me I didn’t deserve open doors and the arms that waited for me on the other side. Some part of me knew that Heather loved me. And I knew that Monty did because he showed me love in so many ways. But I didn’t understand why. I was so crippled and broken that I didn’t know how to accept that kind of love. My addiction was always whispering: Prove me right. Show me that I really am as unlovable as I think I am. Show me that I’m not worth fighting for. Walk away.
Heather walked away, but she always came back. One day, she left a book on my doorstep with a note about how much she loved it and thought I would, too. I left it on the coffee table for months, until the day came when I finally decided to get clean. I spent days on the bathroom floor, so sick from withdrawal that I truly wanted to die. On one of the worst afternoons, I picked up the book Heather had given me, rested my head on a pile of towels on the bathroom floor, and read it from start to finish. For a few hours I forgot how awful I felt as I read the story of two somewhat lost, lonely souls finding each other in the most unexpected ways.
When I finished the book, I just held it, staring at the title: Love Walked In. Those three simple words cried out to me, and I suddenly had an overwhelming desire to talk to Heather. She called me that night, and I picked up the phone for the first time in ten years. I was shaking from withdrawal and from fear of finally letting her in. But Heather didn’t lecture me. She didn’t ask where I’d been. She didn’t confront me and tell me how many ways I’d hurt her and broken her heart. She chatted with me as if we’d just spoken the day before. We talked about the book and how wonderful its story was. When I hung up the phone, her “I love you” echoed through my mind again and again. And I felt a spark of hope—maybe I could be forgiven. Maybe I didn’t have to stay away from people because of the damage I’d done. Maybe a love like Heather’s and Monty’s was big enough to give me grace.
Back on the bathroom floor, in the middle of my wondering, it struck me—If Heather and Monty can love me when I’m like this, how much more must God? All of the verses I’d long ago memorized about God’s love came flooding back to me. I thought about all of the unexpected ways He’d shown me that love over the decades since I’d met Him. His love had walked in and stayed, despite the fact that I hadn’t. I had no idea how to put my life back together. I didn’t know the next steps to take. But I knew I was loved. And that knowledge was enough to get me through the night. And the next day. And the next. Until I let God lead me to recovery.
Heather was the first person after Monty that I made amends to. She forgave me just like he did. So did my brother, my other sister, and my parents—all who’d had to love me from a distance because we lived in different towns. My mom and dad had spent countless hours on their knees in prayer for me, begging God to bring me home. 
Mom had reached out and been met again and again with the same deafening silence that Heather had. Yet she persisted, too. In the face of that kind of love and grace, how could I not feel the overwhelming love of God? And how could I not want to share that love with someone else?
I’m sharing it with you now. If you’re on the side of the door that I was on and you’re feeling lost and hopeless and lonely, let someone in. Let someone love you. Open your heart the tiniest little bit and let the light of love surprise you. If you’re on the other side of the door, don’t stop knocking—no matter how many times you get turned away. Love like Monty. Love like Heather: be a heart of light and persist even when the person whose heart is breaking yours blocks your love at every turn. Love like you pray—with faith that God will deliver your love in just the way and time it’s needed. You may never know if or how your love made a difference. Love anyway. You might be the reason that someone’s testimony is the same life-changing, life-saving one as mine: Love walked in. And love stayed.
They found grace out in the desert,
these people who survived the killing.
Israel, out looking for a place to rest,
met God out looking for them!
God told them, “I’ve never quit loving you and never will.
Expect love, love, and more love!”
Jeremiah 31:2-3
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Comments 16
Hi Renee, been thinking about your post most of the day, today the sermon at church was “I have your back”. The sermon was about how God will never leave us and is always there for us. I thought about you and your family and how fortunate your are to have such support. I can’t even begin to imagine what you have been through with your addiction, but God does have your back He sent you angels, your dear sister Heather wow what love, Monty always there for you, your mom and dad having had serious problems with our daughter I pretty well understand what they went through, and it’s God love for us that helps us get through all the downers. You and your family are so fortunate to have each other, a lot families are not that way, my wife’s family was always fighting and down right mean to each other, Jean finally just disowned them she said I don’t need this and we are better off for it. You are so fornicate to have such strong family and husband support.
As I look back at this age on my life I can see the hand of God in so many events that have happened, I know that God really does have are backs!!
You all take care!
Love, Grover
Grover–Oh, I love that idea of God having our backs. What a beautiful way to put it. I agree with you–I’m incredibly blessed to have such a supportive and loving family and husband. I like that you called them angels; they’ve certainly been that to me. And in their love, I see the hand of God, as you said. If God didn’t have my back, I wouldn’t still be here. Thank you for your insights and for your thoughtful comment. Much love to you.
You have made me cry and I am still crying. I need to stay loving to someone out there that is not hearing me knock on behalf of her mother who needs so much extra love right now.
I also need to keep knocking on another door and pray they will hear my mother’s heart.
Thank you for this post Renee and for reminding to never give up knocking on the other side of the door. And—- at times I wish more would knock on my door, just to see if I am alright and coping.
Klara–I understand and so admire you for the way you love and knock down the doors people put up. You have been persistent with me in your love, too. And I’m so grateful. I know Heather would agree with you about sometimes wishing someone would do the same for you. I promise to be someone who knocks and checks in because I love you. ❤
She never ever ever ever gets frustrated with either of you. All she wants to do is love you… and sometimes it’s annoying, I know. But I love You both fiercely and I will Always always always be here with you. A Frister sandwich with me in the middle and you both by my sides, all of us holding one another up. How blessed are WE!!!!!???? ♥️♥️♥️
SHE isn’t annoying. She’s persistent. Someday the three of us should make a Halloween costume of a Frister sandwich. We are so blessed to have each other–thank you for making Lisa and me see that and appreciate it. Love you.
I agree with Renee–she just words it better!!!! I couldn’t love either of you more!
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Sparrow, this is a p.s. I need to “proof read”. I meant, your sister, not duster. Gives me a chance to add more comment though. Your Blogs are so wonderful, so penetrating, Have you should seriously consider publishing them. My older brother David has had a couple of his articles ,from his Penn State Days, with a New York publisher. Just a thought. ❤️TexGen
Harold–I knew what you meant, no proofreading necessary. ? Thanks for such encouraging words about my blog. I’d love to publish them but am a bit stymied as to how to do that! Thank you for thinking my ideas and words are worthy of publishing. You always lift me up.
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Dear sister of mine,
Your tribute to Heather describes her love she has for you and me, her family and others. We are so blessed to get to call her sister. I thank God everyday for the way she doesn’t give up on me either. She must get so frustrated with you and me because of our chronic pain and days where she can’t reach us but she never, ever gives up on us. I believe with all my heart that God gave her the gift of mercy and she blesses us and so so many others with it every single day. I’m so glad to have you in my life; we understand each other, too…maybe on a level that Heather can’t…so it’s a win, win for all 3 of us. Her mercy and grace certainly points me, you and others to God; how could it not? Also, that book is one of my all time favorite books…I remember her telling me to read it…a lot…and I just kept resisting; I’m not sure why, but maybe the book meant more to you and me because of that! I love you and am praying that you are healing!
Lisa–thank you for your words. We ARE so very blessed to have a sister who loves us with persistence while trying to understand our pain. I hadn’t thought about the gift of mercy, but yes–definitely! That’s Heather–such grace and mercy. I like what you said about the three of us understanding each other in different ways and needing each other at different times. If sisters can be soulmates, then you and Heather are mine. Why DID we resist the book for so long? It’s so, so good–but obviously God meant for me to read it in His timing, and I’m so glad I did. Thank you for praying for me–I’m doing better and healing more every day. I hope today is a pain-less one for you. I love you.
Good morning Sparrow, so eager and happy to see another one of your uplifting, inspirational blogs.Good title, Love Walked In. Your duster Heather must be ina parallel universe to my Mother. My Mom would always remind when I visited, “Harold, You are Loved. She would add,”you have to love yourself, not in an egotistical fashion, but sincere from within, love yourself. I guess my Mom had “persistent love”. She would add, God Loves you, show your love to others”, in kind caring gestures. As I grow older, I realize that simply reaching out to friends, family, My Seniors, a tiny flash of caring, and Love is so very important. Oh, ,I need to add, I reach out to my children, show them, my wife how much they are loved. God Loves us, Jesus Loves us, so much he bought all of our sins. That is the best love. I really could go on and on. But Ithink you get the meaning of what I say. I will close, loving yourself, others, and forgiving yourself and others. Thank you, Sparrow, keep on Blogging. ❤️TexGen
Harold, the more I read about your mother, the more I like and respect the woman she was. And I’ve seen how you continue her legacy with all the many kindnesses and love that you show others. You love your seniors through a very difficult time in their lives–that is such a beautiful picture of God’s love. And I’ve witnessed the way you love your family and your wife. You are definitely a person who loves persistently and doesn’t ever walk away. Thank you for your comment.