In addition to my own recovery meetings, I’m part of a huge online recovery support network. On both Facebook and Instagram, I have fellow members in the recovery community that share my daily struggles, and I have the privilege of sharing theirs. I’ve noticed a trend lately in this community—a debate about the merits of AA and other 12-step programs like it. Many recovering addicts and alcoholics are deciding that they no longer want to be a part of these 12-step programs, and their main reason is because these programs ask you to admit that you’re powerless over alcohol and/or drugs and that you need a higher power in order to succeed in recovery. I’ve met countless people over my years in recovery that simply could not or would not admit that they were powerless and in need of a power higher than themselves. Many found different recovery programs; some dropped out of the recovery scene entirely; some, tragically, went back to using and died. My viewpoint has always been that your recovery program is your business—if it works for you, then by all means, you should pursue it. What disturbs me about this debate is this new statement I’ve been seeing as people leave 12-step programs to pursue recovery elsewhere: I am my own higher power.
The first time I read that statement, I felt chilled down to my bones. I cannot imagine having any success in recovery if I were my own higher power. I’m clearly not particularly skilled at handling certain areas of my life—if I were, I wouldn’t be in recovery in the first place. If all I had to depend on was myself and my own power, I have no doubt that I never would have survived addiction. When I learned the shorthand for the first three steps in recovery, I felt like a weight I’d been carrying for years was lifted. This was the shorthand: I can’t. God can. I’ll let Him. I was so relieved to be able to bring my struggles to God and let Him take over. So when I read that statement, I am my own higher power, I wanted to understand why people were saying it. I read many articles and posts about it, and it boiled down to this—I won’t give my power away. I mentally argued with that. But aren’t you? You may not be giving your power to a “higher power,” but you’re giving it to someone or something. All of us do, whether we’re in recovery or not. We give our power away day after day—to our own egos, to people who we allow to control us, to habits that take over our lives.
I know I do. Day after day, I give my power away. Many days, I successfully give it to God, and together we fight and win battle after battle. Other days, I surrender to pain, depression, and the many other demons that fight to win my power. Sometimes I decide that I know best—and these are the days when I act like I’m my own higher power, making decisions without even thinking to ask God. Why? Why would I rely on my own feeble power when I have access to a power source so much greater, higher, and deeper than mine? The apostle Paul describes it as “incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength He exerted when He raised Christ from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly realms.” (Eph. 1:19-20) At any time I want, I have access to the same power that raised Jesus from the dead. Yet I think I can somehow do a better job relying on myself?
I remember the early days of sobriety when I was completely ready to surrender whatever meager power I had to God. And I expected that in return, He would reward me with immediate happiness and fulfillment. That’s not what happened. I remember hearing a song by Creed when I was newly sober and still so lost and depressed. The song is about lucid dreaming, not addiction, but it spoke to me as if it were. One of the phrases the song repeats is “Can you take me higher?” I asked God that question, almost as a challenge. Can You take me higher? Can You make me feel as good as I felt when I first started doing drugs? Can You lift me out of this darkness and take me higher than the pain? I’ll never forget God’s answer, spoken to me so clearly that it was nearly audible: Only if you’re willing to go lower. I looked at my life, shattered in a million pieces around me, so ruined that I didn’t think I’d ever find a way out. And I said to God, Lower than . . . this? Again, His answer was clear: Yes. Lower. Higher. Wherever I take you. Are you willing? With tremendous doubt and fear, I told Him I was.
And I believed it. I was willing to give up the remnants of my power and exchange it for God’s will. At every recovery meeting, when we held hands, closed with “The Lord’s Prayer,” and said “Thy will be done,” I meant it. In theory. But in practice? I had no idea how hard it was going to be to give up my will and exchange it for His. I had so many questions for my sponsor about it. Again and again, he told me to be still. Pause. Be still. Wait for the answers. And trust God’s will.
These were the types of questions and statements that fill my early sobriety journals—and God’s answers I now know:
Why won’t you take away my pain? My will, not yours.
I’m scared and I don’t understand this. Be still.
I’m so tired of fighting. I can’t do this anymore. Be still.
I’m afraid that if I surrender completely, You could take someone I love or ask me to do something I’m not able to do. My will, not yours.
This isn’t what I asked You for. My will, not yours.
But what if— Be still.
Please don’t ask this of me. I can’t do it. I’m— Be still. My will, not yours.
After all of these questions and doubts, I can say with complete honesty that God has taken me higher than drugs ever did. He has held me tightly when I began to fall. He has never failed me. He has never let go of me. So I write this with the highest confidence in His power, even though I often have to say it many times a day: Thine, not mine. Your will, even still.
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Have you ever read “Hind’s Feet On High Places” by Hannah Hurnard? I ask because of God’s response to you: “Only if you’re willing to go lower”. MuchAfraid, the main character in this allegory, hears a lesson from the water as she begins her journey to the High Places, and the lesson is that it is blessed to go lower and lower still, from the heights of the mountains to the valleys far below. I first read this book when I was 18 years old, and there was so much I did not understand. I’m sure there still is, but the main thrust is exactly what the Lord has told you: “Trust Me. Be still. My will, not yours”.
One of my favorite passages of Scripture is Isaiah 55, where the Lord says that His ways are so much higher than ours that comparing the two is like comparing the heights of the heavens above the earth. I rely on that knowledge many many times! Thank you, Renee, for your openness, and for sharing your growth with us.
Heather, I read that book in high school and so related to “Much Afraid.” My mom recently bought me a version of it that is filled with beautiful paintings. I should reread it–as you said, I’m sure there was a lot I didn’t truly understand when I read it then. Thank you for the reminder of that book and the reminder of Isaiah 55. I very much appreciate you taking the time to read my words.
“Your will be done” the most prowler full words in the universe, how often we just over look this simple request to God, if we just place are hopes, burdens and needs in Gods hands how much better our lives would be.
I can’t imagine someone deal with drugs and not willing to submit to a higher power and as you say the results aren’t good. This is the same old problem that humans have from the beginning of time, Eve don’t eat the apple, oh I can handle it, and we have all been in trouble every sense. Human pride our biggest sin of all, it gets in the way in so many ways in our lives and takes away so many blessings that could come our way. But to step back and say I can’t give my will to a higher power, we’ll be that way and see how that works for you.
Like you when I pray the Lord’s Prayer I feel I am humbling myself before God and handing Him my life. The key is to humble yourself and if you strutting around all full of pride, how is God going to work with you? That’s not to say that when we ask for God’s will we are not going to make mistakes we are all sinners born into a sinful world, but God is right there with Jesus to forgive our sins if we can humble ourselves (pride again) and ask for forgiveness it is ours and the power to get through life’s battles! My mom would tell me when I was growing up and had a problem “let go and let God handle it” and if I could bring myself (pride again) to do this pray and give it to God it worked out. But of course teenage prideful me was always a little slow on the prayer thing and it took a lot of life’s lessons to finally figure it out (pride again).
We all some little reminder in life to try to keep us going and I always try to look for the humor in most situations; I have a Garfield cartoon on a wall in my work shop that kinda of helps me to remember ‘let go let God”, The cartoon shows Garfield all happy happy and Garfield says I have no worries I give them all to John his owner, next frame show John completely messed up. It’s just a little something that sort of puts things prospective, but God can handle it, when we can’t.
Now Renee I can hear it now how cats are so much smarter than dogs, but we can save that discussion for another time, can’t we?
Grover–once again I missed the pride element of not wanting to give your will to God. But you’re exactly right–it’s very hard to humble yourself and admit that you’re doing a terrible job of managing your life and need God desperately. I love that you use humor to brighten your days–Garfield is a favorite of mine and that particular one sure brings the point home! Oh–and we don’t need to have a discussion about cats being smarter than dogs, Grover; there’s nothing to discuss–cats ARE smarter! ?
Once again a wonderful, thought-provoking post Renee. Even for those, like me, not in a recovery program, can relate to this. We all have something in our lives that we need to apply the principles to that you have mentioned.
Monty–I hope everyone can relate because EVERYONE has a higher power, whether it’s God or something else we put higher than Him. Thank you for your constant encouragement.
Good morning Sparrow. Again, your pure, raw words, feelings, straight from your heart. In your recovery thru the 12 Steps, admitting You are powerless. In life, my life , You,We, need to submit to a Higher Power. God. Such a simple solution, turn to God, Trust in God. A basic human trait, is to control, don’t ket go. If we bring our fears, problems to God. We should do it 100%, no “fallbacks, take backs”, everything to God. We, as humans like to keep that Control. Can’t do it. It is not easy to admit faults, but God will listen. Personally, for the past several months, Debbie and I haven hit with heartbreaking, family, adult children issues. I gave it all to God, And expected instant success.No! God has his timetable, we must akways bare our souls to God, Daily. God’s Will Be Done. No “magic pill”, only Trust and complete Faith in God. His Will , it will be victorious, in our day to day struggles. Have God take us to a ‘HigherLevel”.Sparrow, my friendship with you, over these past several months, your solid belief has helped me become a “Solid Believer”. Your Belief, has helped me stay “on task”. There are not enough Thank You’s, I could express to you. Just “keep on Blogging”.❤️TexGen
Sweet Harold–I’m so grateful for you and your careful reading of my words. I like what you said about giving it to God “100%, no fallbacks, take backs.” I tend to take issues back after I’ve given them to God–so thank ou for that insight. And you’re so right about God’s timetable. I really want it to be mine–but it’s His. You’re right when you say that “We must all bare our souls to God.” Thank you for every single kind word you wrote. I’ve come to rely on you., General!
Wow–this was a complicated post for me, even if I understood you and I agree with you.
For many years now I have made a statement to myself and others ” I will never let anyone control me again “, and I have meant every word of it, then and now! If I feel any inkling of anyone trying to control me or anything about me, they are out the door so to speak. I am super protective of me for a variety of reasons and I intend to keep it that way. So I understand, to some degrees some of your friends in recovery–” I won’t give my power away”! I understand their reasoning. At the same time I agree with the first 3 steps in your recovery program– I can’t-God can–I will let Him. There is so much contradiction in our lives–to distinguish between our needs to protect ourselves which are real–and our will to be able to let go of any strongholds and let the ” Higher power” take over where we have no control. And, until you personally have encountered Jesus, it will be way too complicated to understand the difference between trying to protect yourself ( which is necessary) and at the same time to be able to let go of all you can not control and give it to Him who is ” able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine”, as in the prayer to the Ephesians.
Thank you for your valuable observations and for being honest in what you know to be truth.
I loved the song you chose–we often all want to sleep a little longer to stay safe, yet we all want to fly a little higher and reach the heaven that is somewhere out there–it does mean getting out of our bed, our safe warm place and daring to spread our wings in expectation that there is someone out there–a Higher power, willing to meet us, greet us and embrace us in all we are needing to accomplish, to set aside and or to conquer. To Him be all the power and the glory!
Klara–given what I now about your past, I understand your issues with control. I also understand the need to protect yourself and not let anyone control you. I believe that God has given us free will. He has unfathomable power. I know you want to protect yourself. And that could be the same thing as not letting yourself be controlled. God desires to have power over us, not to control us. He loves each of us enough to meet us where we are. Sometimes the depth of what He gave us overwhelms me. So yes–to God be the Glory.
I hope I did not come across wrong, I believe in the power of God and I trust Him with my life–I do find it difficult to trust some people, even in my need to always be there for others. I am forever learning to be still and let God. Love to you.
This blog is so amazing. I don’t post on every entry but I read every entry. That whole adage about “don’t speak unless it improves upon the silence”….
Every entry is helpful to me, but this entry really gets me. It took me a long time to realize that my will was not getting me anywhere good. Following my own will led to loss, pain, depression, isolation, and loneliness. When I realized through NA that there was another way, I was all in. I was so low at that point I was ready to give it all up. And then I listened with my heart to the words God was whispering to me the whole time. He said I’m here, I love you, I’ll never leave you. All I had to do was let go of what I thought was best. Obviously those decisions weren’t working in my favor.
Once I became willing to acknowledge that I had already given my power to drugs, how much of a leap was it to give that power to God instead? I needed to be still. I needed to listen for His will. Since I made the decision to do that my life is so much better. I am a friend again, I have 2 jobs that I love, I am a better mom, a better daughter, I am a better person.
When I question what’s happening because it isn’t what I expected or wanted I can step back and say Thy will (not mine) be done. Then I can see the bigger picture and because I choose to remain open, teachable, and malleable, I can find a lesson in every experience. These lessons come together and add to the person I am. When I was using, my choices took away from the person I am. I cannot be my own higher power. I know nothing. But I have faith. Faith in the path I am on, faith in the people that are brought into my life because I know there is much to be gained if I just be still and listen. Thank you Renee.
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Jennifer–your words overwhelm me. I’m always surprised by how much those of us in recovery can relate to each other’s stories. I relate so much to what you said about being at your lowest point and ready to just give it all up. Instead, you and I both gave it to God. I love what you said about making the decision to do that–that your life is better and you can now call yourself a better friend, mom, and employee. You made me realize that I can do the same–I’m a better sister, daughter, wife, and employee, too. And again–I relate to what you said about your choices taking so much from you. Mine did, too. I had nothing left by the time I finally surrendered. I hope you know that you are one of those people that you speak of, that God brings into our lives to learn from–I know He brought you into mine. Thank you for your words, your support, and your willingness to share your experience, strength, and hope. ❤