Dear God,
I made a mistake. I almost relapsed over the weekend. You know my excuses: my health struggles, my weariness, my pain. I wanted so badly to numb myself from all of it. I didn’t want to feel the mental and emotional fragility or the physical pain. And I was certain I was too weary to fight another battle—the battle over surrendering to You or surrendering to a substance that could alter my reality until I felt nothing. For the first time in years, I didn’t just flirt with that idea. I let it entice me, seduce me, and take me to the very edge of temptation. And I very nearly gave in.
Then I heard You, God. You already know this, because You know my every thought—but I didn’t want to hear You. I’d almost made my mind up. I wasn’t asking You if I should or I shouldn’t. But I heard You anyway, Your voice piercing the darkness and chaos in my mind: If you’re willing to throw away everything you worked so hard for, then was it ever worth fighting for in the first place? Tomorrow. Next month. Next year: you will either be so sorry you made this choice, or so grateful you didn’t. It’s your move, Renee. What’s it going to be? Will you give in? Or fight?
On my knees, Lord, I told You my choice:
I will fight for the beautiful.
I will not let illness or pain drive me back into a place so dark that this time, the light won’t find me.
I will listen only to Your voice and let the voices of everyone else fade.
I may not feel like it now, but I’m worth the fight it will take to make the right choice.
I’m so grateful, Father, that You stopped me from hurting myself, Monty, and everyone else I love. I’m also grateful that You showed me my mistake: it wasn’t the temptation. It wasn’t the near relapse. It’s that I’d let myself stop being so vigilant; that after all these years, I’d started to tell myself that sobriety is an easier battle than it is. I’d wandered too far away from You to hear Your warnings.
So I beg you, God. Bring me back. Back to the beginning of my recovery journey, where I depended on You for every breath. Back to the moment of surrender, where my heart finally broke in two—and went straight into Your arms. Back to the time when every victory was won because I’d fought it with You. Back to the days when life was worthwhile simply because You made it. When I believed I was worthwhile simply because You made me. Back to when I asked You for strength every minute of the day. Back to when I was so hungry and thirsty for You that I craved Your presence. Bring me back. Back to step one:
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Oh, God—there’s so much truth in that step. I am powerless over alcohol and drugs. I know this to my very core. Yet I let myself get so close to the edge of relapse that I felt my toes tingling in fear: if I had been doing the daily work of recovery, I wouldn’t have been in that place of weakness—so ripe for relapse. And yes, God—I’m ashamed to admit it, but some parts of my life are unmanageable right now. I need Your divine intervention.
Tomorrow, Lord, You will celebrate another sobriety milestone with me. We’ve celebrated each one together—from 24 hours of being clean and sober, to years of it. I’m so grateful to celebrate it with You instead of having to start over. Forgive me, God, for wandering so far from You. Give me renewed strength to fight again.
For all of my fellow addicts and alcoholics who faced the same temptation I did this weekend, Lord, I pray that You strengthen them, too. For the ones who made a different choice than I did—help them to realize that they can start over today—that Your grace and love will cover their mistakes and bring them back home. I pray for those who are powerless in different ways, God—who desperately need Your power to get them through another day. Bring them back to the beginning of their fight, too. Remind all of us of Your strength. Arm us with Your hope. And teach us once more how to live, completely dependent on You. Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.
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Comments 24
My prayer is that you’re never faced with the temptation to relapse; however, since that’s unrealistic, I pray that the strength and courage you exhibited by persevering is ever present when temptation rears it’s ugly head again. Love to you and Monty.
Aunt Phyllis–thank you for your prayers and your love. Sending our love right back to you!
I love seeing the comments from so many people about you and your courage, openness, faith, and inspiration. Just as you have inspired others, you have inspired me!
My Monty–thank you for making me feel those things when I don’t. You are now and forever my why.
I am sorry for your pain I really understand and know the the demons you face every day, but Renee God has made you stronger through all these battles and He wants you leaning on Him just like you have been. You growing so must stronger than when I first started reading your post, stay tough, you are in my prayers everyday!
Grover
Grover–you always have the kindest words. Thank you so much for saying I’ve grown since starting this; that is a beautiful and humbling compliment. Thank you even more for your prayers. Love to you.
Renee,
I am amazed, impressed and inspired by your raw truthfulness, and vulnerability. But I am humbled by your faith and courage. You are such an amazing woman of God!
God Bless!
Patricia–thank you so much. I certainly don’t feel any of those things right now, but I’m fighting my way back. And I will be holding on to these words from you. Thank you.
Lord, we praise you for Your power and extravagant love behind that ever small voice. Please give Renee relief along with the others that hear her words.
Your words are amazing Renee. Your ministry is invaluable.
Amy–thank you for that beautiful prayer and another reminder that though I am powerless, God is NOT. I’m holding on to His extravagant love, as you so beautifully put it. Thank you for your encouragement and such kind words.
Renee – so sorry for your pain. So thankful for your courage and your faith. You give me strength! Love you my sweet niece?
LoraK–your words humble me and encourage me. Thank you more than I can say. You are such a gift to me. Love to you.
You are courageous. You made a good choice and you were so forthright in letting us know that you almost made one you would regret. My best wishes to you as you face your current challenges.
Mary–thank you for such kind words; they are a huge encouragement to me. I draw strength from them and from the love and kindness of people like you.
Good morning, Sparrow, You have Guts, Courage, to “bare Your Soul. Not being very knowledgeable in quoting Scripture I go by “touch,feel, instinct.., .Hopefully before I leave this life, fir @ Beautuful life, My daily Bible Reading, will “penetrate”. Yiur sing selection, “How Many Times”, a constant reminder that all of his struggle, different ways. I call out to God, Daily, sometimes several times a day. Fall8ng into Satan’s “alluring trap”.As you and I have discussed, the “Monkey aka Satan” on my back, feel dark, impure thoughts. Boy oh Boy, Satan makes it so d—- appealing. When I call out to God in prayer, I ask “How Many Times”,will you listen to me, Lord? The Beautuful Answer, He will always listen, Soarrow, He gives us “all the tools”, all we need to do is follow. I had an uneasy feeling, since last Friday, our FB chats, 2 Times, maybe 3 Times a day, each of us giving the support we need. , But, I am so thankful you resisted. Just keep calling out to Him. He is always there for all of us. I too, am renewed in my “touch,feel”ministry with my seniorsRenee, you ,all of us are renewed everyday. I will finish, ‘you have guts, and strength., keep your eyes on His Prize. Thank you for sharing your very difficult struggles, a
I am sure all of us teader#, feel, “renewal” in your words. The Texas Prayer Warriors Are here for you. TexGen
TexGen–I like how you put that: the “monkey AKA Satan” on my back. I never thought of it that way, but it’s definitely true. Thank you for the reminder of God’s daily renewal of our strength. And thank you most of all for your constant prayers. You are a prayer warrior, indeed!
My dearest friend, please forgive me beforehand for my response, but part of me feels very angry–never at you ofcourse, but at that other one.
Thank you firstly for this beautiful confession, for sharing how hard this last weekend was for you and for admitting how close you came to re-lapse of all you fought for so hard for these last years with God at your side. I know you well enough to know how determined you were and are and that Monty has been an incredible source of support right alongside you all of the way. That God has been your constant companion, your champion and your main source of inspiration all along the way. He has been with you every step of the way and each step you took there was a celebration in heaven.
But as I read this post not one time but a number of times, it became chrystal clear in my heart that I don’t believe you ever stepped away from God in any way and I believe that you kept surendering yourself to Him in every way.
This was not about you not surrendering to God, it was an attack from the evil one, the one who wanted to shift your focuss, give you a different perspective and wanted to make God look like a fool who was not going to keep you in His fold. The evil one was not challenging you, he was challenging God and was mocking God about who you are and using others to do so in whichever way he could, and he nearly succeeded. Shame on him. He knows better and knows he can never win against Jesus who has overcome it all–the battle HAS been won and Jesus cry was ” It is finished”. Jesus is seated on the throne and can never be overcome by anyone! In Revelations Jesus sits on a horse and he does not engage in the battle that is going on, why?– becasue the battle HAS been won. And so for you–He has delivered you and you are HIS.
You may have been tempted, but the temptation was not yours, it was to ridicule God and all He has done in your life. So be strong, trust God, tell the other one to take a hike and tell him who you belong to in no uncertain terms, he has no business in your life. Not now or ever.
When people come up against you, redicule you or entice you–always remember, it is never about the person, it is what comes ” through” them. The evil one is very crafty and will use whatever means to shift your focuss, therefore the ” armour” of God!
All my love to you as you stan as a soldier i n his name and for His sake, knowing the truth of I saik 43:4 ” for you are precious and honoured in My sight and because I love you”.
Please forgive the spelling mistakes– I was so focussed on what was in my mind that I forgot to spell check!
Klara–You always give me so much to think about. You painted such a vivid picture of the battle and the tricks that Satan uses to pinpoint our Achilles heel. Thank you for the reminder that the battle has been won; it is finished; and I am His. I love this sentence you wrote: “Be strong, trust God, tell the other one to take a hike and tell him who you belong to in no uncertain terms.” Yes, ma’am! Just reading that inspires me. You’re always reminding me of the armor of God–thank you for that. I know I’m in a battle but I often forget that it’s as a soldier in God’s army. That makes me want to hold my head high and fight on. Thank you for your words–they will strengthen me again and again. And thank you for loving me just as I am.
Renee–a soldier has two duties–one is to “defend”– his territory, his person, the other person and so on–however the other one is that of being on the “offence”– to go out there into the world–In God’s way–is to go out there as a soldier clothed in all the right armor but ” shod with feet with the gospel of peace”.., unafraid and sure of the protection afforded to us!
Thank you for writing this and sharing your heart; I love it when people are real! I love you so much. You are such an inspiration!!!!!! And congratulations!!!!
My dear sister–thank you for hearing my heart; you always do. I don’t feel at all like an inspiration but you make me want to be! I love you, too–and I’m so very grateful for you.
Renee,
Thank you for this post. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this pain. I am incredibly amazed by your strength. You were able to readjust your sails back to His path for you. I know what’s it’s like to want to hide and close yourself off. Even to God. He will always love you, He will never forsake you.
I turn to this song often, but especially when I feel like shutting myself off from my faith, when I start to lose hope.
https://youtu.be/hXsiWoyjw60
I hope the words help you as they do me. You are not alone in this battle. I know we haven’t met but please reach out to me if you ever need a conversation over coffee (or tea) ❤️
Jennifer–thank you for every single word you wrote. I know that you understand my words better than most because you understand this fight. I love the idea of readjusting my sails back to God’s path–what a beautiful description. It will stay in my heart and encourage me. And thank you for the song. Music reaches me sometimes when nothing else does–“Jennifer’s Song,” as I will now think of it–is a beautiful encouragement. Thank you for your support and encouragement. No–we haven’t met, but I’d like to–and until then, I know our hearts have met. And I’m so grateful.