A couple of weeks ago, Dad and I were watching TV. I had the remote and was flipping through channels. I stopped on the channel that was airing “Criminal Minds,” one of my favorite shows. Dad watched long enough to see a violent carjacking/kidnapping scene, then said, “What in the world is this?” I tried to explain the show and told him that it was just fiction. He said, “I don’t care if it’s fiction or reality. I don’t want to see that!” I changed the channel to a show Monty and I both love: “See No Evil”—the show takes you through the real life murder of someone to the capture of their killer, using surveillance videos to solve the crime. Dad watched for a minute and said, “Who would watch this?!” “I can’t imagine,” I said. Dad looked at me and said, “You watch this?” I nodded. He shook his head at me and said, “Wrong. New channel.” I changed the channel. A new episode of “Celebrity Autopsy” was on, and the coroner was speaking in graphic detail about how the celebrity had died. That show fascinates me so much that I didn’t notice Dad watching me for a few minutes. “Renee,” he said. “Surely you don’t watch this.” I tried to explain the merits of the show (turns out, there really aren’t any—unless you could call it a good cautionary tale.) And we were back on familiar ground:
Dad: “You know what your problem is?”
Me: “Yes, but I have a feeling it’s not the problem you’re referring to.”
Dad: “Your problem is that you watch these shows and fill your head with this stuff.”
Me: “What am I supposed to watch?”
Dad: “Philippians 4:8. Whatever is true, noble, right. . .”
Me: “So . . . not ‘Criminal Minds?’”
Dad: “Give me the remote. We’re watching baseball.”
I laughed at the time, but I also started thinking about that verse and what Dad had said. And then I read a book about a serial killer called, “I’ll Be Gone in the Dark,” by Michelle McNamara. McNamara wrote the book partly because of her fascination with criminals and partly because she was baffled by a serial killer that had been active in the seventies and eighties and had never been caught. McNamara interviewed multiple cops, detectives, and journalists about their knowledge of “The Golden State Killer,” as she dubbed him. She admits in the book that she became completely obsessed with the case; she said her work had become a “silent scream.”
In April of 2016, McNamara died in her sleep at just 46 years old. Adderall, Valium, and Fentanyl were found in her system. When her book was published a year after her death, her husband, actor Patton Oswalt, said, “It’s so clear that the stress led her to make some bad choices in terms of the pharmaceuticals she was using. She had overloaded her mind with information with very dark implications.”
Oswalt applauded his wife when, two years after her death, the Golden State Killer was finally arrested, due in large part to McNamara’s efforts. She paid the ultimate price for those efforts—in many ways, she was the Golden State Killer’s last victim.
When I finished the book and then read about McNamara’s death, I couldn’t stop thinking about Oswalt’s quote—that she had “overloaded her mind” with darkness. I saw the parallels between her and me. I, too, fill my mind with darkness—which is very counterintuitive to who I am. I’m overly sensitive, easily upset, and constantly trying to stay balanced as I walk the edge between darkness and light. My battle with drugs and alcohol began in a quest to stop pain, but it became about numbing myself from the darkness. Yet here I am, in recovery, and I’m deliberately filling my mind with darkness. I watch every show on real or fictional criminals I can find. I watch reality TV, cop shows, and documentaries about prisons, cults, and gang wars. I read horror novels and the most gruesome of psychological thrillers. And I listen to rap music nearly all the time. The other day, I wanted to see if rap had always just been background noise with a rhythm I liked, so I put on some Eminem and listened. And I knew every single word of that song and every other rap song I tested. Those words are in my head; they’d never just been background noise.
Dad’s comments about the shows I watch coupled with McNamara’s tragic story caused me to reconsider the material I was filling my brain with. I studied Philippians 4:8 in depth and looked it up in every version I could find. They all used basically the same words, but I liked the language in “The Voice” the best. It says, “Finally, brothers and sisters, fill your minds with beauty and truth. Meditate on whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is good, whatever is virtuous and praiseworthy.” “The Message” used this phrase: “the beautiful, not the ugly.” And there it was—my reason to start living the Philippians 4:8 way. 
Since the day I got sober, I have told myself constantly to fight for the beautiful—to find the beauty in every person and situation. And it truly is a daily fight for me. I’m prone to depression and melancholy; I have to fight for the beautiful or I’ll go right back to where I was. So why, if that’s my fight, would I be filling my mind with ugliness? I’m giving my brain the subject matter it craves rather than what it needs. I know what happened when I did that with drugs and alcohol; it scares me to think I could be paving the way for another disaster because of what I’m putting in my brain.
I wish I could drill a hole into my temple, tip my head sideways, and let all the darkness out. I’d like to purge my mind of all that I’ve filled it with. But I can’t do that. So I’ll start where I am—I’m challenging myself as of this moment to live by the guidelines of Philippians 4:8. Before I watch, read, or listen to something, I’m going to see if it passes the Philippians test: is this show or book or song beautiful? Pure? Virtuous? Praiseworthy? Honorable? Based on those words, I know this will indeed be a challenge. I also think I’m going to have quite a bit of extra time on my hands—almost every show I watch (with the obvious exception of “Dr. Phil”), book I read, and song I listen to fails the test.
I’ve heard about the ice bucket challenge, the hot pepper challenge, and the Tide Pod challenge. The ice bucket challenge, while a great way to raise money for charity, looks to me like an excellent way to jumpstart a migraine. I’ve eaten a hot pepper before and thought holes would burn through my cheeks. As for the Tide Pod challenge, it’s both dangerous and absurd. But the Philippians challenge? This one I accept. It won’t be easy, and I won’t do it perfectly. But I’m going to do it—I’m going to fight for the beautiful and not surrender to the ugliness. I’m going to look for light and resist the pull of darkness. I have a few people in mind that I’m going to challenge to do it, too. The first person I challenge? You.
“You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.”
Anon.
My mom was Monty’s and my music teacher for all of elementary school. One of the songs she taught us when we were about eight was “Input, Output.” It’s a very simple song with a profound message—whatever you fill your brain with will eventually overflow into your life.
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Comments 12
As always, a great post! I accept your Philippians challenge!
We’ll have to support each other! No Hallmark movies.
I must admit when I first started reading this post I thought that this was simply a way for your Dad to get his own way and see what he wanted to see all along, “his baseball game”. Does not help that I am not into sports, I find many sports not what it used to be, especially hockey, football and soccer and I get bored or upset when watching them, especially if it becomes violent. But I truly get what you are saying about Philippians 4:8.
For as long as I can remember, I have not been able to watch or read anything that is gruesome or very violent, it leads to tremendous nightmares, I seem to be over sensitive and to me it is all too real–fiction is often based on reality somewhere. My parents were very aware about my sensitivity and would automatically switch to other channels if something came up that was violent in some way. Even now, when I sometimes watch “Law and Order”, when nothing else suits my taste, if I anticipate an unpleasant scene I quickly turn the TV off? This can be irritating when others are watching alongside with me, so if needed I run out of the room and ask others to call me back when the scene has passed. This makes going to movies a problem for I do the same there if I can’t bear it? My only option is to peruse story lines beforehand and predict if it will work for me?
That said, I love the idea of this challenge and like you this will not be perfect, although a lot of what I do is already lovely and gentle in the many ways I keep creative, as you know. Where this may work for me is to think about some of the people in my life and whether they are lovely, pure, beautiful, and if not to not engage with them as they turn my life into something that is not wished for. In particular I am thinking about the two happenings this last Sunday and how this day was spoiled by the behaviour of others whose intentions were not pure, lovely, kind or good. So thank you my friend for always challenging me in new ways I have yet to think of.
Klara–I used to be the same way–unable to watch anything violent. And I still dislike all sports! When I discovered Stephen King, I loved that his books were huge and always distracted me from whatever was disturbing me in my real life. It was a slippery slope from there! I do love your insight about people and whether they pass the Philippians test–not perfectly, but closely. I hadn’t even thought about people, but you’re very right. Some relationships do become toxic over time and need to be let go–two prime examples are the ones you had to deal with on Sunday. Thank you for that insight. I always appreciate your wisdom, my friend.
Best post yet, your dad is so right!
Grover–thank you so much! My dad is always right. Maybe if I learned THAT lesson, my life would be easier.
Well, yes and no. I don’t watch crime shows or horror movies, but I wouldn’t hesitate to reread “Crime and Punishment” or gaze at Van Gogh’s self-portrait. A dark subject matter can still be “beautiful and true.”
Mary–I completely agree, especially with your two examples. And as I look back over my writing, I realize that much of it has been dark, as well. I don’t think poetry would exist at all if not for dark subject matter. I suppose each person has to figure out what they can handle, and where to draw the line when it becomes too much. It’s become too much for me–but I will never stop reading the poetry I love; the darkness of it comforts me because I relate to it. Classic literature like “Crime and Punishment” (an incredible book) tends to handle murder in a softer, less gruesome way. Thank you for bringing up an important point and making me think. I love people who make me look at things in a different way, so thank you!
Renee, good morning. Fascinating, always stimulating, Blog. Initially, your choice of TV shows, obviously counter to what you Dad wanted to watch. The quote from Phillipians 4:8, Whatever is true, noble and right. Profound, but “spot on”.. Human nature tends to, for many us to focus our interests, on the “edgy”, movies,tv shows, reading and photos, that “stimulate”, I feel, after years I going that path, to, speaking for myself, “very dark places”, in our minds. As much as I say, “oh, this stuff has no effect”, I am mistaken, it does. Solely, speaking for myself, but I don’t feel I am The Lone Ranger”, I dwell, and I dwell on it. As much as I confess this t9 God, “There I Go again”. So, the vow I will state, no more, “garbage in, garbage out”. Turn, and keep My eyes on Jesus, good thoughts, it is hard to reverse life lon* patterns, But, Renee your Blogs fir me, are “tea”mere openers”, and I can’t thank you enough for writing the,. You are My, “literary angel”. I have+been unfaithful to the Lord, tempted by the wrong things In life. I shall and will repent, receive love and forgiveness fr9m God, and I will share your message with( others. Can’t thank you enough for today’s Blog, and all your Blogs. “Fly, Sparrow, Fly”.
Harold–you are definitely NOT the Lone Ranger on this. We all have subject matter that we’re drawn to–and we just keep pushing the envelope, telling ourselves, as you said, that “this doesn’t affect me.” But you’re right; it does, and we dwell on it. You’re also right when you say that it’s hard to reverse lifelong patterns, but it IS possible. Thank you for such kind words about my blog–and thank you for being such a faithful reader.
This was a great perspective and a great reminder! Especially as a parent in trying to encourage your children. I used to love watching those crime solving and reality shows. I used to love political shows, also. Then I ended up getting a job that I had to understand everything Chicago because the riders of public transportation were the Stakeholders of the project. This included trying to understand gang violence, homelessness, unemployment, gun violence, poverty, criminal justice (injustice), etc. I started meeting people who lived such hard and painful lives, who lost loved ones to horrific circumstances. To my surprise, I also found a large amount of people who are faithful believers in God. But what I also found is that I couldn’t tolerate watching those shows anymore, as well as, the news when I would get home. Then the election happened and even more negativity spewed out into the air-waves. My brain and heart couldn’t take it. I made a decision to get rid of cable and internet and we started checking out movies and older tv series at the library. The library is 2 blocks from where we live and has become our second home…. However, I did given in and got internet a couple of month ago and through Hulu, Netflix, etc, there are a lot of choices…your words were an encouragement to make good viewing choices :).
Sarah–thank you for such a thoughtful comment. I can see how it would be difficult to watch those shows once you’ve met people who actually have experienced some of those awful things. I’m glad that you recognized the effect that it was having on your mind and heart and stopped before it began to damage your sweet nature. I’m finding, like you, that Amazon, Hulu, and Netflix have older, cleaner, and more uplifting shows to watch. If you have any recommendations, I’ll take them! Thank you for reading and for your insights.