I saw “The Greatest Showman” last week—the movie based on the life of circus developer and promoter P. T. Barnum, played by Hugh Jackman. I was completely blown away by the music, the acting, and the story. As soon as the movie was over, I Googled P. T. Barnum. And let’s just say I much prefer the movie version of him to the person he actually was. First of all, the real Barnum looked nothing like Hugh Jackman, which I expected but was still disappointed by. I have trouble imagining the real Barnum dancing and singing like Hugh Jackman did. He might have—I just can’t picture it. Also, the real Barnum was not exactly a man of integrity. He exploited the poor, used racial differences as selling points, and was not above using hoaxes, “freaks,” and all manner of human and animal oddities to make a buck. He called himself “The Shakespeare of Advertising,” freely admitting that he used false advertising and even bad publicity to aid in getting people to attend his shows.
P. T. Barnum
Hugh Jackman as P. T. Barnum
The similarity between the movie version of Barnum and the actual Barnum lies in his single most important character trait: he was a visionary. Barnum dreamed extraordinary dreams and set out to make them come true, even when the naysayers and doubters said it couldn’t be done. No one had heard of a circus like his before he dreamed it into existence. And it was, for its time, beyond all scope of imagination. When the show outgrew even the biggest buildings, Barnum put it under an enormous tent. When people across the country began asking to see this incredible show, Barnum silenced his critics by buying a train to transport the entire circus. To Barnum, bankruptcy, fires, and character conflicts were not roadblocks; they were temporary setbacks. And each event caused him to envision a different solution, to dream bigger. When he died in 1891, he was considered the most famous person in the world—all because he’d taken simple dreams and turned them into visionary masterpieces.
The movie depicts young Barnum as a dreamer who often gets lost in his own thoughts as he imagines a bigger world for himself. He’s distracted by his dreams, seemingly paying no attention to reality. This was the story of my childhood. I spent most of my time dreaming—about the characters in books I wanted to be like, about the amazing accomplishments I would achieve when I grew up, and about the plots I would spin into books so great that I would definitely win the Nobel Prize in Literature. The people around me did not appreciate this dream world, as it apparently robbed me of whatever common sense I had. I grew used to comments like these:
How could you forget to wear shoes? (this happened more than once)
You’re always out in left field. (a sports metaphor that was lost on me)
If your head wasn’t screwed on, I swear you’d forget it. (completely true statement)
Watch where you’re going! (wandering into crosswalks without waiting for the “Walk” sign was a common problem)
Hello, McFly! (this from my brother Adam, always accompanied by a knock on the head)
And the ever popular, still-said-to-me-to-this-day: Pay attention.
Here’s my secret: I was paying attention as a child, and I’m paying attention now. Like Barnum, I’m paying attention to the dreams and ideas that distract me from more pragmatic thinking. I’m dreaming of plots. Thinking about why that sweet lady has both a Styrofoam peanut and a Rice Krispie stuck in her hair. Wondering what the birds see when they look down on us. Creating a back story for the kindly widow who happens to live across the street from what I suspect is a meth lab. Staring at the moon until it’s imprinted on my closed eyelids and thanking God for the beauty He made for us. That’s me, paying attention.
Barnum paid attention only to the dreams that mattered to him. But I stopped paying attention to the dreams that mattered to me, and I fell down a rabbit hole of addiction so deep that I had no idea how to get out. Barnum didn’t listen to his doubters and critics; I did. All of them lived in my own head and told me in a constant chorus that people like me—addicts and alcoholics—didn’t deserve dreams. I had just one dream left in me during that time: to get sober. And God gave me that dream. But He didn’t stop there. He began to remind me of the dreams I’d had as a child—the dreams that were more important to me than reality. Those dreams seemed ludicrous for a person like me, who’d lost nearly everything to addiction. Yet as I began to trust God, I did start dreaming again—not the grand dreams of my childhood, just little dreams that I thought had a tiny grain of possibility in them.
God challenged those little dreams. Again and again, He upped the ante. I dreamed about writing, just for myself. God said, “Dream bigger.” I dreamed about traveling with Monty, for short road trips. God said, “Dream bigger.” I dreamed of the opera, of concerts, of baseball games, of finally being a part of life again. And as God brought every one of those dreams to fruition, I heard Him nudging me further still: “Dream bigger. You have no idea what I have waiting for you.”
And I want to dream bigger. In “The Greatest Showman,” Barnum says, “Comfort is the enemy of progress.” That’s my stumbling block when it comes to dreaming those bigger dreams. I tell God quite often that I’m ready for bigger dreams, but I’d really prefer not to be uncomfortable in the process. Unfortunately, that’s not how it works. Every single dream of mine that God has fulfilled has required me to experience some level of being uncomfortable. There’s been anxiety, panic, cravings for familiarity, and physical difficulties. But there’s also been celebration. Tears of joy. Moments when I’ve looked at Monty and been shocked that we’re finally getting to live the life we always dreamed of. And slowly but surely, I’m beginning to dream bigger. I’ve made the startling discovery that I want to trade my comfort for the progress God desires for me.
When I think back on my life, I realize that maybe too much of it has taken place in my head. I’ve dreamed and wondered and planned and hoped—and even paid attention in my own way. And now? With every fiber of my being, I feel God asking me to trust Him and start acting on those ideas in my head. I’m paying attention to His voice, and I keep hearing this: “Do you trust Me, Renee? Really trust Me?” And again and again, I remember Philippians 4:13: “I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” Not some of it—all of it. So I take a deep breath, take His hand, and pay attention—only to Him. He takes me to physical and spiritual places that I never thought I could go. And that journey is, to me, the greatest show on earth.
“Men suffer more from imagining too little than too much.”P. T. Barnum
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Comments 19
Ok ok. I’ll watch it! But it it has a two headed woman it’s off!!???
You just made my night! I don’t remember anyone with two heads. . .
BTW never give your insecurities power. Profess against them and uplift Your self. That is the way to spiritual leadership! You have the talent to be a difference.
You have no reason to fear. You are quite obviously a warrior of God. He had forgiven your indulgences and doesn’t care about that anymore. Only you live in regret! You are forgiven! Go! Speak your mind. Many people need to hear it!!! Seriously Renee!
BTW never going to watch The Showman! The freak show always freaked me out!!! Just one of those childish paranoid NO WAY!
Thanks, Steve, for the uplifting words. I am forgiven; I base my faith on that tenet. And I don’t regret my past; clearly there were lessons I needed to learn along the path I took. But I won’t forget it, either–it’s important for me to stay close to those memories so that I don’t forget how easy it can be to fall back. Thank you for saying I can make a difference. That’s always been my prayer. You challenge me so often. Now I have a challenge for you, my friend: Go watch “The Greatest Showman.” The so-called freak show becomes a beautiful demonstration of God’s grace in using EVERYBODY for His purpose. If you can handle Stephen King, you can handle “The Greatest Showman.” Unless you’re not the man I thought you were. . .
Wow! That was intense Renee!!!
Why would you doubt yourself? You are a powerful author! You have accomplished so much in just the short time I’ve met you in this blog.
I know much of what you write is meant to strengthen others. That is great but please remember. Never speak negative about yourself!
You are extremely strong and you should believe it and confess it to yourself. It does not make you self absorbed if you do it in a humble way!
You are becoming very accomplished at this. Maybe you should apply to a divinity college??
On a side note … I have been very absorbed in a new novel by Steve Berry called “The Bishops Pawn”.
I really had no idea but I finished it today on the 50th year after Martin Luther King Jr’s assassination. The book is a fiction mystery about how J Edger Hoover hated MLK and orchestrated his murder. The subplots are amazing and the timeline is freaky.
A very good read and so odd I finished it on the actual 50th year after!
I really had no idea but it’s quite the coincidence!
Take care everyone.
Thank you, Steve! Yet again, you have challenged me. I so appreciate your comment that I have grown since beginning this blog–you were my first reader besides my family, so that means so much to me. I will probably always have doubts about my abilities, but my prayer is that those doubts keep me close to God for affirmation. Your words have affirmed me tonight, too–you are such a blessing to me. I’m intrigued by that book you mentioned. That is a coincidence that you happened to read it now! I shall have to wander over to Amazon in a minute. . .
Absolutely beautiful post. Have you been in my head? I feel like some of those words are directed right to me. You are a beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing it with the world.
Thank you so much, Jennifer! It means a great deal to me that you took the time to read my words and that they meant something to you. I so appreciate the encouragement.
Renee, Like you, Debbie and I recently saw, “The Greatest Showman”, we loved it.I agree with you, dont think P.T. Barnum’s physique, or “moves” coukdmatch Hugh Jackman. As a youngster, elementary school age, 7 or 8, loved reading,Zane Grey Westerns. Fascinated with the “Old West”.Always wantedaHirse, settled fir “Skipper”, my faithful Beagle Puppy. Loved reading the exploitsofDick Tracy and his 2way wrist radio, “way cool”. Got to love Baseball, so much so when not playing with the “gang” in the neighborhood, would play “fantasy baseball,” using my baseball cards, a pencil, marble, and “coasters” as bases, on the floor of my bedroom. Growing up, teen years, adulthood, kind of “lost the art” of dreaming/fantasy. Graduated to more “adult thoughts”, girls, women, beer drinking, extra marital “dalliances”. Then in my mid 30’s “reality and maturity hit.”. With a solid marriage, for past 38+ years, Have finally received some”messages”, so to speak, proablyi initiated by Mom, “turn back to the Lord”, help my “fellowman”.So, hereI am volunteering at aSenior living facility, mutipledaysa week, and one day a week assisting in 2 Church services, weekly. Reading, preaching the gospel, praying. My lifegetsmorefulfilled everyday. The “escaping or daydreaming” I do now, is planning my next “prayer” and Bible Study. Loving every second of it . To take an old Beatlestune, “The Long and Winding Road”, has led me to The Lord, and remembering we not only to Love and help our family, butourfellowman as well. Far from “perfect”, I am a Christian Soldier fir The Lord. Another wonderful Blog, Renee your writing talent is “limitless”. Thank you.
Harold, I think it was you that suggested I see the movie! I did love it so much. I loved reading about your adventures as a little boy, especially playing “baseball” in your room. And your life journey from that time has been so interesting. You are such an example to me of a man with purpose and a mission. Thank you for that and for reading my words.
Love all your blogs, but this one ranks among my favorites. When you write about the lady with the styrofoam peanut and Rice Krispie in her hair, I think about an elderly lady I see in church every week who wears a wig in very poor condition. I dream of giving her a wig I only wore once, so she’ll look pretty. I also like to create back stories for people in difficult situations. I think the main reason I loved this particular blog is because of the challenges you are successfully navigating and the optimism you express for the future.
Thank you so much, Aunt Phyllis. What a sweet idea to give that lady in your church a wig–that makes me smile, and it reveals your heart. Thank you for what you said about optimism; that’s definitely a new thing for me. Living with Monty is a master class in how to be an optimist; it certainly isn’t my default! But I’m working on it.
Definitely another chapter for the book you MUST write. I’m dreaming of the day I can brag about my niece who wrote a best seller about faith and sobriety.
What a compliment! I’m dreaming of that day, too–time to stop dreaming and maybe start writing it. Love to you.
I love this and I can imagine you dreaming as a child without her shoes–smile!!! How ever I do hope you are now wearing your shoes, at least when you are outside?
Yes, and I do think that at times our dreams disappear when life gets to complicated and we end up in a pit that seems too deep to climb out of. I have a little story on that, not my own but one I found in a book and that has made me smile more than once. So thankful Jesus was there to help you climb back out and now that you can see as you ought to see, to be able to dream again and that God challenges you to dream bigger dreams with Him by your side.
How awesome is that?
The Pit
A man fell into a pit and couldn’t get himself out
A SUBJECTIVE person came along and said
“I feel for you down there.
An OBJECTIVE person came along and said
” It’s logical that someone would fall down there.”
A PHARISEE said
“Only bad people fall into a pit.”
A MATHMATICIAN
calculated how he fell into the pit.
A NEWS REPORTER
wanted the exclusive story on his pit.
A FUNDAMENTALIST said
” You deserve your pit.”
An I.R.S. man
asked if he was paying on the pit.
A SELF-PITYING person said
” You haven’t seen anything until you see my pit.”
A CHARASMATIC said
” Just confess that you’re not in a pit.
An OPTIMIST said
” Things could be worse.”
A PESSIMIST said
” Things will get worse.”
Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and LIFTED HIM out of the pit.
Source Unknown.
So Renee, keep taking the hand of Jesus.
Klara–I AM getting better about shoes. I did wear slippers to the dentist once, but at least I had something on my feet! You’re right–bigger dreams as I take the hand of Jesus is “awesome.” Perfect word. I love, love, love the story of the pit. Just perfect, every bit of it. Thank you for taking the time to write it out and share it. I will save it for sure. Love to you.
As always, I love this. I love how your writing carries me through a range of emotions — from intrigue to laughter to contemplation.
Thank you. You’re so much of my why. . .