Monty and I went to a Bon Jovi concert last night. Bon Jovi songs have been the soundtrack of our life together since we were sixteen and listening to their cassette tapes in Monty’s car. We know every word to every song, and over the years, we’ve spent a lot of time singing them at home and in the car—complete with vocals and some excellent air guitar. Our favorite song has always been “Livin’ on a Prayer,” probably because we can relate to the lyrics:
We’ve got to hold on to what we’ve got
It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot for love
We’ll give it a shot
Woah, we’re half way there
Woah, livin’ on a prayer
Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear
Woah, livin’ on a prayer
Neither Monty nor I had ever been to a concert like this before. It was at the Pepsi Center in downtown Denver—a venue which last night was filled with twenty thousand Bon Jovi fans. My brother Adam, who’s seen every concert imaginable, told us what seats to get, and they were perfect—far enough back to be a part of the crowd yet close enough to see the band. After the opening act, the lights dimmed to a sunset of orange and yellow, then went completely dark. All across the stadium, people’s cell phones were twinkling like thousands of stars in the darkness. And then strobe lights and spotlights started flashing, and Bon Jovi was on stage.
Every song they sang was one of our favorites. Everyone was singing along, wrapped up in their own memories of each song. If memories were tangible, the stadium couldn’t have held them all. There’s something truly magical about sharing musical memories with twenty thousand other people—and when the music reaches a fever pitch and you can feel the bass deep in your stomach, it’s transporting. Our only disappointment was that the concert ended without Bon Jovi singing “Livin’ on a Prayer.” Monty shouted to me over the applause at the end, “Don’t worry! Adam said there’s always an encore!” And sure enough, the lights slowly came back up, the band returned to the stage, and the opening notes of “Livin’ on a Prayer” started. The crowd, including Monty and me, went wild—it was the best moment of the night, and it was worth waiting for.
Our moment.
Worth waiting for—that’s what I kept thinking all night. Because I almost didn’t go. We bought tickets to see Bon Jovi last year, and they canceled at the last minute because Jon Bon Jovi had laryngitis. And I have to confess that a not-so-small part of me was relieved that they canceled. For much of my life, I’ve had panic attacks. I’ve learned to cope with them, but there are some triggers that are still very hard for me—triggers like heavy traffic, crowds, and being in the middle of a place where I can’t easily leave. So when the concert was canceled last year, I was disappointed but also felt a bit like I’d dodged a bullet. Then, in January, Monty saw Bon Jovi’s ad on Facebook and bought tickets for us—again. I told him I was excited. I told myself I was excited. And I was. . . but there were still so many unknowns. The closer the concert got, the more I started picturing it in my head and fretting about it. And then, a couple of weeks ago, I had a moment that changed everything.
I was watching Dr. Phil—I love Dr. Phil almost as much as I love Bon Jovi. His way of using straight talk and common sense to help people appeals to me. So a couple of weeks ago, I was watching him speak to a woman who was afraid; I don’t remember of what or why. Dr. Phil said to her, “I have this theory that there’s really only one phobia: a fear of not being in control.” I paused the TV and wrote that down. It sounds so simple, but for me, it was nearly a water pump moment. Remember my blog post about Anne Sullivan writing on Helen Keller’s hand the word “water” while she held Helen’s hand under the water pump? Helen had a breakthrough and finally understood—the theory and the practice collided. That’s almost how I felt when Dr. Phil said that about fear.
For so much of my life, I have let fear control me and dictate my decisions. I’ve avoided places I’m sure I would have loved, missed out on events I really wanted to go to, and kept my life very small at times because it felt safer that way. When I heard that statement from Dr. Phil, I started thinking about my fears through that lens: were all of my irrational phobias really just about not being in control? Crowds? Yes, because I wasn’t in control of when I could leave. Heavy traffic? Yes, because I couldn’t control the pace or lack thereof. New places? Yes, because unfamiliar environments are far out of my control: the noise, the people, even the weather.
When I look at my fears that way, they seem so ridiculous. Because control is an illusion. I’m not in control of anything, whether I’m sitting “safely” at home or in a massive crowd in downtown Denver. This is a principle I learned early on in recovery—if you’re in recovery, you’ve completely lost control, your life has become unmanageable, and there’s only One person who can fix it—the One who really is in control. So I’ve been on a five year journey of learning to turn control of that part of my life over to God. And I’ve gotten better at it, day by day. I just never thought to do it with the rest of my life. And so I’ve continued to live my life afraid. To live my life in a very small way. To say, “Oh, that sounds fun. But I’m not a person who. . . “ And I’ve missed so much.
I don’t want to miss anymore. I made up my mind to go to that concert last night and enjoy every single second of it even though all of it was out of my control. Through much prayer, I made my peace with the unknowns and decided to let go of my illusion of control and turn it over to God. And just like that, I became a person who goes to concerts. I wonder what kind of person I’ll become tomorrow. From now on, even though it will be hard and counterintuitive to what I’ve done for most of my life, I’m going to do my best to remember that I don’t need to be in control—and I can’t be, anyway. I really will be “livin’ on a prayer:” I’ll pray about the unknown, then go live it. I’m so ready.
“Don’t get too comfortable with who you are at any given time–you may miss the opportunity to become who you want to be.” Jon Bon Jovi
The Bon Jovi manifesto—and now mine, too:
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Bingo—you hit the nail on the head! Fear of NOT being in control, even as we understand we are not in control. He is, God is and his timing is perfect although we may not always agree.
I learned this lesson well when so incredibly ill and had a slew of doctors and specialists telling me all sorts. At some point I realized I was desperately trying to stay in control of my body and mind and that actually made me more ill, I was exhausted just in trying to hold it all together. A very wise Health nurse who had also stepped along pointed out I was still the central person but that the team that was surrounding me was just there to guide me, help me and be my support system in a time I was unable to support myself. Eventually I was able to give the control of my life and my illness to God and let Him heal as he wished.
Yes, it meant I got more ill for a while because I had been fighting too hard and I was totally depleted, but I also eventually started to rest in Him and slowly began to heal.
I have learned I am still the “central” person in God’s life as ” His eye is on the sparrow”, but that I do not have to worry so much about staying in control, He is more than capable to do that for me, He just wants me to rest in His goodness for my life.
God bless you Renee as He gives you continues inspiration to write, as He leads you into new truths, as you learn to lean more on Him each day and as He gives you the urge to share all that he is teaching you.
His message for and for us. With love from me to you.
Klara, you said it so well–when you’re trying desperately to control everything around you, you do get so exhausted “trying to hold it all together.” And thank you for the reminder that God’s eye is on the sparrow. I’ve always loved that. Thank you so much for your insights and your words. Love back to you.
Rock on sweet Frister. In EVERY sense of rocking!! ?
Still rocking, HRH. Can’t stop me now! Love you.
Renee, a new nickname fir you. “Sweet Little Rock N’Roller”, a great Chuck Berry tune. Your excitement about the Bon Jovi concert, just “pours out”, in today’s Blog. Even better, that Monty is your #1 “Groupie”. Our Daughter Melanie, also a Big Time Bon Jovi fan. ( you knew that ). Bon Jovi , a New Jersey native, like Springsteen, so as a Native New Yorker, I will claim bot( h of them. Nothing like a “live” concert. Two songs that mean a lot to Debbie and I, “LikeA Rock”=(Bob Seger), and What A Difference You’ve Made In My Life ( Ronnie Milsap). We have seen both, live at least half dozen timeseach, in our 38 plus years if marriage. Well, enough our “music exoertise”. “PAnic Attacks”, and “” Control” , are two difficuit issues in a persons life. The few panic attacks I have had, nothing compared to you. Renee, you are an “amazing person”, with. Your “Rock” Monty by your side. All I can is , Wow. I am starting to learn,”God Is In Control”, so Let him take control. .When I give up control, it is like “a ton of weight”, is off my shoulders. But, I do “slip back”, sometimes In to “dark places”, then I speak t9 God. I will close, with a thought . When I “meet up”, with you and Monty, in Heaven, we can start “our R&R combo. Yes, we would need Monty, as our “Air Guirarist”. Thanks fir today’s, Blog, it was wonderful. Peace.
Harold, you just reminded me of so many songs and musicians I like. Springsteen, especially, is a favorite. You are very right, Hal, about the weight that comes off of your shoulders when you finally give God back the control you tried to take. I, like you and probably everybody else, do slip back into old thoughts and patterns. But I will always have hope that lasting change is possible. I like your idea of a band in heaven–but I think we should have you and Monty on vocals. I’d be much better on air guitar. . . Thank you for your thoughts, my friend.
I’m so glad you were able to go to the concert! Thank you for writing this; it couldn’t be more timely for me; I have all the fears about next week when we travel to Europe…and you’re right—it’s because I fear being in control. There’s so much I’m fearing that I could make myself miss out on what could be amazing. I will spend much time in prayer and think of this post a lot. I love you!!!!
My dear, dear sister–of course you have a ton of fears about your trip. Who wouldn’t? Believe me, I understand, especially about needing to feel like you’re in control. But you’re right–letting fear control you instead will only rob you of the trip of a lifetime. I’m praying for you, and I love you so very much. Thank you for being you and being so supportive.
Your best yet? Of course I always think that! Amazing how you can turn Bon Jovi and Dr Phil in to something so profound! Glad you both had a great time?
Thank you so much, Lora. We did have a great time. And I could probably write all day about Bon Jovi and Dr. Phil! Thank you for your words; they were such a blessing to me today.