Have I mentioned that I love Dr. Phil? He has given me countless hours of free therapy over the years, though much of that therapy took a while to penetrate my thick head. On Tuesday, he did a show featuring Demi Lovato, a young singer who is using her fame as a platform to talk about her ongoing recovery from addiction and her issues with mental illness. Not long into the show, Dr. Phil said to her, “Why do you choose to live your life this way? Most people hide what you’re highlighting.” I paused the show so that I could write that down.
This is a crucial question to me, especially as I relate it to my blog and other writings. The truth is, when I started blogging, I had no intention of writing about my past struggles with addiction and alcoholism. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about, but writing about addiction and the recovery process wasn’t on my radar. As I began the blogging journey, though, I discovered that I couldn’t write about my life in an honest way if I was going to hide the last fifteen years of it. Writers are told to write about what they know—I know about addiction and recovery. And as I prayed over each post I wrote, God seemed to bring me back to those topics time and time again.
When I think about that question of why I highlight what most people hide, I realize that telling a true and honest story is only part of why I do it. I also write about these issues because I’ve found enormous strength in admitting my weaknesses. Being vulnerable and honest keeps me accountable as far as sobriety is concerned, and I’ve discovered that vulnerability breaks down walls between people. We all spend so much time in life and on social media trying to make our lives look perfect. When we talk to each other without the pretense of perfection, we can connect on a much deeper level. It’s also very important to me to share my story so that I might offer hope to anyone who is where I was—to let anyone who is a prisoner to their own choices know that freedom and recovery is possible.
But the main reason I write about these issues is because I made a promise to God years ago that if He would show me a way out of my prison of anxiety, depression, and addiction, then I would let Him use me in any way He saw fit. This was a promise, not a bargain. I had bargained with God for years, telling Him what I would give up in exchange for what He gave me. This was different. This was a sacred vow that I made to God on the same day that I chose recovery. And it’s still my prayer every day—“Use me, Lord.” If God wants to use me through my writing, then I will risk absolute transparency again and again when I tell my story. Every word I write is predicated on that promise.
I’m not proud of my story. It’s not a pretty one; no story of addiction is. When I was actively using, I learned about the phrase “chasing the dragon.” It’s derived from a Chinese method of smoking heroin in which foil shapes resemble dragons. But in the drug community, it simply means that you’re always chasing your next high. The first time you use a drug, you feel euphoria or oblivion—and it sparks a craving in you for more. For the next time. And the next. Until all of a sudden, you’re spending every ounce of mental and physical energy you have on chasing and recapturing the feeling of the first time. But your body builds up a tolerance to whatever substance you’re using, so the effort to recapture it is an exhausting exercise in futility. Unfortunately, that doesn’t stop you from trying. The chase, futile though it is, consumes your every conscious thought. And the day comes when you’re not only chasing that dragon, it’s chasing you. And it will pursue you relentlessly until you either die or finally surrender to recovery.
I told you it wasn’t a pretty story. And chasing the dragon is one of the ugliest parts. We learn in recovery to take all of the energy you spent on that chase and redirect it into chasing the parts of life that you let addiction steal from you. And that chase has transformed my life.
I used to chase oblivion and numbness. I would have done anything in that pursuit to stop my pain. I also chased escape and darkness. Now, I choose to pursue light and presence—to feel all of those feelings I used to dread. And yes, sometimes it hurts to let myself feel so deeply. But most of the time, when I stay completely present in the moment, I look around and feel a nearly physical shock at the beauty in my life: a husband who loved me enough to not only forgive me for the mistakes I made, but to forget them. My family, who took every step of recovery with me and now gives me countless reasons to stay sober. And the life that God has given us in this little town—with new beginnings, special friends, and our three cats that make our house a home. What’s left for me to chase?
And yet. . . I still have to be careful. I’ve learned that this impulse to chase after what I think I need tends to rear its ugly head when I’m least expecting it. And when that happens, I have to take a timeout and remind myself that I have all the light and love and joy I could possibly need right here, right now, without chasing anything.
What are you chasing? Perfection? Acceptance? Approval? Love? You might want to take a timeout and look around you. Is it possible that you already have a life that is so full of beauty that you don’t need to fill it with anything else? Or are you spending your days in a futile chase for someone or something that will never fulfill you? I wasted so many years on that chase. If I had just stopped running and looked up, I would have found then what I have now: a love so great and so wide and so forgiving that it covers my past and gives me hope for my future.
So that’s my answer to Dr. Phil’s question about highlighting what’s usually hidden. I’m keeping a promise to God, and I’m highlighting it for you, whoever you are, to maybe spare you from making the same mistake I made, of chasing what I didn’t need and not seeing what was right in front of me. To tell you to stop your chase and look up. All the love and acceptance and grace you’re chasing is right there. No matter how far you’ve strayed, or wherever your misguided chase has taken you—God is there, waiting for you. He’ll give you the home and the place to belong that you’ve always wanted. He’ll love you in ways you didn’t even know were possible and give you the acceptance you crave. And He’ll fill all the places in your heart that feel empty and broken. He did that for me, a person who was emotionally bankrupt, mentally fragile, spiritually lost, and physically exhausted. Let Him do it for you, too. You have no idea how much beauty is waiting for you.
“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”C. S. Lewis
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Comments 12
You are amazing and perfect just the way you are. I love you and admire you. ♥️
HRH–So far from perfect! But thank you for your words. I love you, too, dear Frister.
Renee
That is by far the most sincere outpouring of a person’s innermost thoughts I have ever witnessed!
You are one soul to be admirred and to be reckoned with!
My respect for your strength has grown even more and does every thought you post!
I must have been peeling an onion while reading this.?
But seriously you are one strong woman!
Please be kind to yourself. You are human and subject to mistakes. If I truly had to pay for mine my years left will not be fun but we just put ourselves into grace.
Remember .. What you speak you hear and what you hear repeatedly you believe.
Oh, Steve, now you have gone and made me cry, too. Or maybe there’s an onion somewhere. . . In all seriousness, I cannot thank you enough for your words. You always manage to challenge me, bless me, and make me smile all at the same time. I don’t feel brave or strong most of the time, but I’m trying to take the moments I do and, as you said, make them an outpouring, an offering of sorts to the One who saved me from myself. Thank you for the reminder about grace–and that last line of yours is imprinted in my memory already. Thank you for caring about the words I write and for giving me your honest feedback. I so appreciate you.
Your honesty never ceases to amaze me and yes it takes courage to be so transparent, it is what makes your writing so profound and sincere. I love how you connect different aspects of life or other people, knit them together as such and create these intricate woven stories of real life and real affliction.
We can all relate to you blogs if we are honest and we often ask God the many why’s of our own pitfalls.
To ” stay completely present in the moment”, as you say is not always easy and at times we have such urges to start “chasing the dragon” once more, even as we know we will end up hurting more after.
For me when that occurs, I get frantically busy sewing, creating, knitting, collaging, anything to bring beauty out of sadness or the feeling of desperation of what I feel coming. I have to admit I have an addictive type of personality and that will never change, so I must fight and fight to keep my sanity in a world that I feel so acutely and so painfully, Your blogs help me realize so much and are part of my healing journey and in knowing others are in the same boat, dare to manage and so must I. Love to you and Monty for helping you produce this site and managing it so preciously.
Dear, dear Klara–thank you for so many kind words. I know they come from your heart, so they mean a great deal to me. I love what you wrote about getting busy to “bring beauty out of sadness.” And, oh yes, it’s a fight! It’s truly humbling for me to read that my words are in any way part of your journey–what a blessing that is to me. And thank you for recognizing the beautiful work Monty does. I tell him all the time that if it weren’t for him, my words would go unread. Instead, I give him a vague vision and he brings it to life. Every time. Thank you for seeing that. You have filled my heart today, dear friend.
I love your Monty. even as I don’t know him accept through your writings, same with you in a way. But–I acknowledge a pearl when the vision is there, or that perhaps slightly rough nugget that is pure gold underneath— and the need arises to be thankful to witness it, to accept, take pleasure in it and to behold it’s beauty. This is for both of you and God is pleased when I admire His creative hand in forming and making you both for His pleasure. For sure we are broken vessels, as am I, but how precious to see the way in which our great Jehovah Rapha heals and brings order into our lives, calms the stormy seas, holds us and loves us and calls us ” His beloved”. What a journey for all of us!
Klara–thank you for that lovely tribue to Monty. And for the reminder of Jehovah Rapha. This has been a difficult week, as I’ve had pneumonia. I’ve been clinging to God through each breath, but the reminder of Jehovah Rapha was what I needed today. Thank you so very much.
Your transparency and willingness to share your struggles, I know, helps and inspires others to begin or continue their journey of healing and change!
Thank you, Monty. Were it not for grace–yours and His–my journey would have ended much differently. Thank you for continuing on it with me and supporting my every step. Have I told you lately how very special you are?
Renee, wonderful Blog. You are so brave, not only to realize your weaknesses, but To “lay it out”, s to speak in your Blog. You, Renee are “courageous”. I cannot relate to your Drug addiction and abuse of alcohol. But, I will give my testimony and confession, to the physical and mental sins, that I have committed,fir a good portion of my life. My parents “credo”, be honest, with yourself and others. Many times, I have “strayed” from that wisdom from my parents. Yes,I would apologize at the time. But, when the “next weak moment” can racing into my brain, “there I was, first in line”, to be tempted and “stray I am certainly not proud of this, I have hurt lots of people, over the years. As you can tell, I am using Your Blog,as a “public confessional”. God knows all thesinsI have committed. I have prayed for Forgiveness, I Pray everyday for forgiveness. My Mom prayed forfir the first 70 years of my life, I feel this has made a difference in me, the past 5 years, after she “Went on to Heaven”. So, Renee, I will continue to Be as Honest in my replies, comments, to your Blog as I can. ”..Can’t thank you enough for this opportunity to “come clean”, to bare my soul. My Heavenly Angel, my Mom, I think she had something to do with leading me to your Blog, , to be my “Earth Angel”. Thank you, Monty and “The Cats”.
Thank you so much, Harold. I think you nailed the struggle we all have when you said that you would apologize, then be “first in line” to be tempted and stray again. Oh, I know that struggle. Our apologies are honest and well-intentioned, but temptation is so strong. You are welcome to use this space to bare your soul any time. I love your vulnerability and willingness to admit your shortcomings. And what a beautiful thought to think that your sweet mother brought us together. Thank you for that.