Dear Lord,
I come to you tonight, confused and sad and, yes, angry. I, along with the rest of the world, watched the news on Sunday and saw that twenty-six people had been murdered at a church in Texas. Twenty-six people. At a church. Why, God? I keep coming back to this question, again and again. Why? Why these people? Why this church? And why a church sanctuary, which by its very definition is supposed to be a safe place? What is Your plan in all of this? What is Your purpose? I keep looking for You. Where are You?
I remember when the school shooting happened at Columbine, Lord. I watched the teenagers running out of the school with their hands in the air and tears on their faces. I saw the parents who waited for children who never came home that day. I asked You then—why? I remember the massacre at Sandy Hook—and my heart breaking at the horror of little children being shot and killed. I saw those children’s Christmas presents under their trees, waiting for a child that would never open them. And I asked You then—why? Again and again, I’ve asked You why.
Then today, Lord, I saw a story online about some of the victims of Sunday’s shooting. One family lost eight of its extended family members. Eight. And one of them was a 17-month-old. Along with the article was a collage of pictures of this family—before the shooting. The writer of the article had put a caption underneath the collage which named each person in the pictures. After almost every other name, there was the word “deceased.” That family in Texas will have eight empty seats at Thanksgiving this year. How will they bear the loss? How many times can a heart break?
I closed my computer, as the collage of family pictures blurred through my tears, and my eyes landed on our family photo, directly across from me on the wall. There we are, Lord. Every single beautiful, precious person in my family—all twenty-two of us. And all of a sudden, I see captions and images that I can’t stop. My family is, at its core, no different from that family in Texas. We aren’t untouchable. So why not us? Why them? And what if . . . oh, God, what if? You aren’t giving me those answers now. You have given me answers in Your Word, and I would stake my life on those—any other time. But, Lord, are You asking me to believe them tonight? Even now? I hear You. Deep in my soul, I hear You: Yes. Even now.
So I will trust you anyway. When I’m scared for the people I love, I will trust You anyway. “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life.” – Psalm 143:8
When I feel like Your beautiful world is crumbling and there’s no hope to be found, I will remember who You have been to me and hope anyway. “For you have been my hope, Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.” – Psalm 71:5
When I can’t understand Your ways, I’ll believe in Your goodness anyway. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28
When my heart aches, and I wonder if You’re listening, I will seek you anyway. “My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior— from violent people you save me.” – 2 Samuel 22:3
When I’m confused and feel so much darkness around me, I will remember Your faithfulness and be grateful anyway. “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” – Lamentations 3:22-23
You know my doubts and fears, Lord, and You love me anyway. You love the people in Texas who are wounded in so many ways. You are the Savior and comforter that they and the rest of this world so desperately need. So I will praise You in this moment of heartbreak and pain. I may not know the “whys” of Your ways, but I will praise You anyway. With my heart’s hallelujah, cold and broken though it may be, I will praise You. Even if—and no matter what. Hallelujah.
Amen
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Comments 7
Oh, Renee, I hear the lament in your written words ” will there ever be an unbroken halleluja “. We shall never simply understand all the questions until we meet the Lord. The at the time questions of my friend Winston, who was not a believer keep coming to my mind. The ” so what, what for, and who cares”! As I entered into those questions with Winston I also shared and added my own, one of them being ” The Lord does cares, even if we do not understand”, He does care,I just can’t explain. The ” what for”, Winston , again God does have a purpose and a plan, even if we do not grasp it this moment! The ” so what”, Winston, I care deeply about what happened to you and your separation from your family, and it does matter even if you tell me ” so what— does it even make a difference”? Yes Winston, it did then when I talked to you and it does now. Yes, all the ” so whats”, are there, somehow for a purpose, a purpose far beyond our reach of understanding in our wee finite lives, but ever so important to our Infinite God who sees and knows and understands it all. We can only clasp our hands, pray and sigh and ask this awesome God to bring deliverance to our wee brains, our inability to understand such a great and awesome God who cares infinitely more about each hair on our head than we could ever fathom. As such we pray ” Lord hear our prayer”. All we can ask and pray is that He hears our lament in the sea of violence by the one who wants to mock our Lord and us. Will we stand up, hear and believe–The Lord is here, in our midst and He has promised to deliver us!
Klara, beautiful, beautiful, and beautiful. I have nothing else to say, as you said the things I was trying to say. Thank you for sharing your wisdom–again.
Renee, I so enjoy your posts and your open, humble heart. Has anyone told you today that you are precious?
Thank you, Cheri, for such kind words. You have told me today that I am precious, and I will cherish that. Thank you so much for your words.
I would add that even though we have progressed in humanity we have also progressed in the ability to kill more with less effort. Thus the evident mass killings and terrorism.
One thing we must always remember. God never “takes” our lives except when merciful. Other free will spirits take lives. Whether it be by an evil spirit or mental illness. We have progressed tremendously over the millennia but evil still remains in our nature. There is hope for us but the feral side will exist until the Lord Jesus comes to destroy the evil one.
Thank you, Steve, for your insight. How sad and how true that people are able to “kill more with less effort.” I like your phrasing, and I agree with you: yes, there is evil. But yes, there is hope. Thank God.