How was your weekend? Mine wasn’t the worst weekend I’ve ever had, but it definitely wasn’t the best weekend I’ve had, either. So I’ve called in reinforcements and have asked a special guest to blog for me tonight. I’ve asked him to introduce himself and explain his credentials for writing, but other than that, I’ve given him free rein to write about whatever he pleases. I’ll put his author photo and byline here and then let him take over.
“Cattitude” by Seamus Falcon Phillips
My mother wants me to introduce myself. I shall not. That is ridiculous. If you’ve read even one of my mother’s blog posts, you’ve heard of me. I will only say that my name is Seamus. I do not answer to that, as I prefer the British form of the name—James. Preferably King James. My mother has also asked me to explain why she has chosen me to blog and not my brothers. I cannot believe that this requires an explanation, but here it is: Mackin, my older brother, sleeps in the sink, does not know what treats are, and is scared of my mother when she wears a hat. I am not allowed to call him stupid. I have heard my parents say to each other, “It’s a good thing Mackin is so sweet and pretty.” It doesn’t take a genius to understand THAT subtext. Carrick is my younger brother. He is a thief, a nuisance, and has a severe case of ADHD, with an emphasis on deficit and hyperactivity. He could not possibly sit still long enough to write a blog post.
But I can. So tonight, I shall be writing to other cats, as I have noticed that my brothers need advice on proper cat behavior. I have also noticed that the world would be a great deal better if everyone behaved like cats. So even if you’re more human than feline, you should take my advice. Here are the rules of the world according to Seamus (that’s James to you):
Mackin. Need I say more?
Carrick. Sitting in a rubbish bin.
When someone touches you, immediately start taking a bath. Make a huge deal out of how dirty they have made you.
When your people are having a party, find the one person in the room who doesn’t like you and sit on their lap. Make sure that you leave plenty of hair behind for said person to enjoy later as a souvenir.
If your people are watching TV, stand in front of it so that they have to watch you instead. You’re doing them a favor—a cat is much more enjoyable to look at than a Kardashian.
Never think about consequences before you attempt something. Leap, then look. If you fall, make it look like you meant to.
Entertain yourself: at three o’ clock in the morning, suddenly look up at the ceiling and stare. Watch your people’s reaction.
Never let yourself be ignored. If your people aren’t paying attention to you, start knocking things off counter tops. Breakable items work the best, but I have found that water bottles and pens work in a pinch.
Computer keyboards make excellent beds. They’re warm, and they require your person to stop working and focus on you.
When your people buy you a present, ignore it and play with the box it came in.
Choose the best seat in the house, sit in it, and never let anyone else use it. Ever.
If your people buy you a different kind of food, go on an immediate hunger strike. Then holler like an angry goat until they bring back the good food.
If you meet someone you don’t like, make sure they know it. Hiss. Turn your back. And walk away, swishing your tail dramatically.
If a door is closed, it means that something fascinating is happening in there. Scratch at the door or force your way in. If your person closes the door once you’re inside, immediately decide you want out. Scratch at the door. Force your way out.
If you see something you want, drop to the floor and wiggle your bottom until the perfect moment comes, then pounce. I have seen humans do this. I believe they call it twerking.
Accept no limits. The world is yours for the taking.
If someone challenges you to a fight, box his ears. This establishes dominance. If someone doesn’t challenge you to a fight, box his ears. This, too, establishes dominance. Your household needs to know who’s in charge.
When you want love, be persistent. Rub against ankles. Meow. Head butt your favorite person until they pet you. When you’re tired of it, bite them. Remember to dole out your affection in small doses—this leaves your people always wanting more. You’re not a dog; don’t act like one.
Never show too much interest in anything. It’s undignified.
Most importantly, never, ever take “no” for an answer. Disobey. Feign a hearing problem. Whatever you do, do not listen to that word. In fact, I’ve found it best not to listen to my people at all. They say inane things, anyway, like:
“Don’t lick the pumpkin.” (said to Mackin. Remember—Mackin is “pretty.”)
“I know you can hear me.” (said to me. Of course I can hear you. But I’m not going to acknowledge you.)
“I am so telling your daddy that you chewed on his phone charger.” (said to Carrick. I saw him; he was chewing on it—probably planning to steal it.)
“Seriously. Don’t lick the pumpkin!” (again, Mackin.)
“Don’t roll your eyes at me.” (said to me. I did roll my eyes and I will certainly do it again.)
“Bring that back! USB drives aren’t toys!” (said to Carrick, who is a thief.)
“Nope. We’re not starting a turf war over that blanket.” (said to all three of us. We did, and I won.)
“Don’t poke the bear.” (said to Carrick. I am said bear. I weigh 20 pounds; Carrick weighs 9. You do the math.)
“I know there’s a brain in that pretty little head of yours. Use it.” (said to Mackin because he put his favorite toy in his water dish. Again. By the way, my mother is wrong. I do not believe Mackin has a brain.)
“Seamus is on the island in the kitchen.” (said to Mackin when he was attempting to play hide and seek with me. He’s embarrassingly bad at it. His hiding place is the middle of the floor. And he has never once found me when I hid, even when my mother tells him where I am. I have decided to let Carrick play with him from now on, as I no longer have the patience. And Carrick needs something to do besides annoy me.)
“Dude! You barfed! I told you NOT TO LICK THE PUMPKIN!” (do I even need to say that this was said to Mackin?)
“If you actually did get outside, what would your plan be?” (said to me. My plan is to run this ‘hood. To be the boss of the cat mafia. Though I would still take my meals here. And sleep here.)
“You have such an adorable face.” (said to Carrick. This is inane because it is NOT true.)
“If you can turn the faucet on, why can’t you figure out how to turn it off?” (said to me. I do know how to turn the faucet off. But why would I bother? My parents are so good at it.)
In closing, I would like to quote W. L. George: “Cats know how to obtain food without labor, shelter without confinement, and love without penalties.” Yes, we do. So if you’re reading this, and you’re a cat (unless you’re Mackin, who I’m certain cannot read), think about the brilliance of us and do not besmirch our name. We are cats. We are brilliant. We are not dogs. Say it with me. We are cats. We are brilliant. We are not dogs. To any humans reading this, especially my mother, I’d like to say, “You’re welcome.”
Note: my mother made me include this video because Carrick likes it. I find it ridiculous, intolerable, and absurd, much like Carrick himself. I do agree with the title of the song, however.
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Comments 14
I will welcome Prince Carrick into my kitty kingdom with open paws. Together, we will loosen up stuffy cats like you and meanie cats like Miley. We will make change all over the kitty world. #lolaandcarrickunite
You will regret it. Carrick is a thief. The only item he has not stolen is my mother’s heart. That, of course, belongs to me.
Thank you, Barb! I won’t tell Seamus you said anything. He’s getting a big head.
Thanks Renee for giving the pen to Seamus! He made me smile!!?
Hi Seamus ( no, I won’t call you James, who do you think you are)? Thanks for introducing your good self to us. Not sure if I could be your friend, you seem to be just a bit too bossy and arrogant for me, especially in light of the fact that I have issues with humans and cats that seem control orientated, even if you just might make me laugh. I would most probably do my best to ignore you, pay no heed to whatever tricks you tried to make your self noticed and stand up every time you tried sitting on my lap. And no, you would not be allowed to visit me in my home unless you drop that attitude of yours and behave according to my standards. Ps, I also do not like cats that hiss at me, I met two of them in the past and it made for very unpleasant visits with their moms. Have a good day– mom Klara.
Miss Klara. I shall start by saying that my mother says you are her friend. Therefore, I shall not say all of the things I am thinking. I will say that I agree with you on two points–I am bossy and I am arrogant. (did you not see my picture? Why wouldn’t I be arrogant?) I am impossible to ignore, though I would like to see you do your best to try it. I have no intention of losing my attitude. I don’t know what your standards are, but if they aren’t mine, they don’t matter. About the hissing–I have found it necessary to hiss only at my brothers and my grandmother. She called me fat. She no longer exists in my world. I shall have a good day. And because you are my mother’s friend, I shall wish you one as well.
Seamus, thank you for your reply and thank you for deciding to stay polite with me because of your mom. Since you are impossible to ignore, perhaps we should meet and see if you can ignore me instead and we will both have an attitude about it. I bet you won’t be able to resist my soft woolly sweater that I wear for just such purposes. Glad to know you only hiss at your grandmother and brothers and won’t do no such thing to me. Perhaps if we both put our differences aside we may just become more comfy with each other? I have no cats in my home so you would be king pin in this home, enticing no?
Miss Klara. You have managed to stir my interest. I enjoy people who have an attitude, and I am intrigued by your soft woolly sweater. I would be open to a meeting, as my mother assures me you are worth knowing. I hope you know this is a compliment, as I do not in general like people. I must admit that I am most enticed by being a king pin. Ah, to live in a home where I was the only cat. . .
You’ve given me such a laugh for this morning. I needed it; so thank you!!!
Thank YOU, Lisa!
Hey there , Kitty Cuz! This is Lola!! My mom person read your writings to me. I, like Carrick, cannot read but that’s cuz I’m just a little baby kitty. I like some of the things you wrote, although I think you’re a bit stuffy. Who needs to lay in a keyboard to get attention?? I just do something cute like chase my tail and I get treats, and snuggles, and oohs and has! Maybe you need some Lola playing to knock you off of that high horse you’ve found yourself on? It might make your brothers like you more…. If you’re into that kind of thing?? Or maybe… you could find a song? Music seems to soothe us beasts. I have a song!! Wanna hear it?? It’s sung by the very King himself. A real king, not like you, a pretend King. But whatevs… Maybe we could hang out sometime and you could teach me a thing or two. Although… I have a kitty sis named Miley who doesn’t seem to care for me. She’s always hissing at me.. girl drama. ? I know I’m cuter than she is so that’s got to be the problem. She’s just jealous. There’s lots to be jealous of.
TTYL!! (that means talk to you later in case you weren’t hip enough to know that.)
Hey maybe I could teach YOU a thing or two! ?
Tell your mom person that my mom person loves her a lot! She’s always thinking happy thoughts about her!! I think I heard her say that she would like to see her soon. Hey!!! Maybe you could come too, and we could do a jig (isn’t that what you Irish do?) to my song!!! Okay. Bye! ??
https://youtu.be/vPhE-dCvwiM
I don’t even know where to begin. This is pure drivel. I most certainly do not need advice on getting along with my brothers. That is not now and never has been my life goal. You sound like a hyperactive annoyance. I have decided to put Carrick in a box and ship him to you, as he is the same way. As for Barry Manilow–I shall not dignify that with a response. In the future, I would prefer it if you did not refer to me as your “cuz.” We cannot possibly be related.
Oh dearest James nee Seamus! What a prodigious chuckle I enjoyed while reading this debut blog! It seems that great writing runs in the family. I hope your Momma is feeling better! Perhaps a series of well timed headbutting will set her to rights!
Danine, is it? We are off to a good start, as you have called me James. Others have refused and I have decided I do not like them. I enjoy the word “prodigious.” My mother does not know this yet, but you are correct–this blog is my debut, the first of many, I should think. I shall head butt my mother post haste. I think I might like you. This is a compliment.