The view from my couch–every day, all day–5 years ago.
My heart is heavy tonight. I’ve heard about three suicides this week—no one I knew personally—and of those three, all were because of alcoholism and substance abuse. Each one of these individuals had been fighting to overcome their demons of alcoholism and addiction; each one relapsed and then took their life. These are only the three I heard about; I know there are countless more.
I, too, have my demons of addiction and alcoholism. And I haven’t overcome them. I haven’t recovered. I haven’t been healed. But day by day, I am overcoming. I am recovering. I am healing. By God’s grace, I have five years of being clean and sober—but I know I am one drink or one pill away from losing everything.
If you’re struggling and God has brought you to this page, my plea to you—with all my heart—is to reach out. Call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255—they offer 24/7, free, confidential support. Or text CONNECT to 741741 at any time of day or night; a trained crisis professional will respond and help you. Because there IS help. There IS hope. Make a call or send a text. Don’t let your demons win.
Painkiller
– Renee Adele Phillips
Today I’ll be a good girl.
I’ll skip down my yellow brick road, twelve steps at a time
toward the Emerald City of Sobriety
shimmering in the distance like a Technicolor mirage.
I will skip past the opiate fields of red poppies,
choking back the temptation to fall
gently, heavily, into the soft, welcoming arms of those poppies
where haze would descend and carry me into oblivion.
But not today. Today, I’m a good girl.
I will clench my fists and set my teeth; I won’t even look at the poppies.
Today I’ll be a bad girl.
I’ll let the pain win; I won’t even try to fight it;
I’ll take pills by the handful, drink tumblers of whiskey, bottles of wine:
all of it, together, whatever it takes, I’ll take.
Yes, I’ll be a bad girl.
I will break promises and hearts;
I will live in a world where it’s always January,
where I welcome the darkness and shut out the light.
Good girl, bad girl. Sober, wasted.
All my life I’ve been a tumbleweed—rootless, pointless,
blown every which way by my demon wind,
from colorless ghost towns of fear to deserted barns of shame,
tossed into irrigation ditches of sorrow, crashing again and again
onto weather-stripped fields of madness under sepia skies;
across dry prairies of regret, stripped naked
except for the dead leaves of my past I pick up
as I tumble over and over and pieces of me break, until
I am broken.
O God, I don’t want to live this tumbleweed life any more:
at the mercy of a merciless wind that breaks me and robs me of my choices.
Tether my dried and broken skeleton
to the barbed wire fence that is You.
Wrap Your wires of love around me; bleed me of my poisons.
Pierced and held by Your pierced hands,
I am bruised, scarred, broken—
but I am Yours.
Today I am done wondering who will win;
done letting my choices drag me across a wasteland of shame.
Entwined in You, I am rootless no more, at Your mercy alone.
Today, I will say with You, “It is finished.”
Share this Post
Comments 10
Beautiful..
Your description is nothing less than perfect. No matter what side of addiction, the grasp it appears to have. And then to acknowledge the fight and pain. But to no avail, victory in Christ. Im very touched.
Thank you so much, Amy. Your words are such an encouragement to me. And you’re so right–once there is addiction, the ONLY victory is in Christ. Thank you again for taking the time to comment.
I have never been so moved or drawn into a deeper understanding of addiction until reading this. I am humbled, blessed and amazed by your open heart that God is leading you to share. Thank you
Oh, Danine, thank YOU. I did feel lead by God to share this part of my story. So I’m grateful that it blessed you today.
Amazing wording of your poetry and yes, all of us have addictions even if we say no we don’t.
We are all broken people who remain in the arms of a God broken for us,
Isaiah 43:4 and His promise to us–and above how He continues to rescue us.
” For you are honoured and precious in My sight and because I love you”.
Blessings as you step confidently day by day knowing He is there helping you each step of the way!
Klara, beautifully said. I marked that exact verse in my Bible this morning! Thank you so much.
Confirmation from God for sure Rene,
Amazing that you have underline this passage–Praise the Lord.
You’re so right–confirmation from God! Thank you.
Good gal or bad gal….. I love your dependence on him to help you finish the fight…. I guess. It is one day at a time for all of us
Thank you. Yes–dependence on Him is the only way I CAN fight. One day at a time. . .